The aftermath

Aftermath

We take stock and evaluate what we have. I sure have plenty that I get on very well with. I look back. I had a long session with another young lady, someone that seemed true to herself, helping each other in opposite dance roles. Laura walked past saying a muted goodbye without looking at either of us. A vanguard sailing off home. At the time I would have paid anything to swap this dancer with Laura. But why? Here I had someone that smiled at me every time we saw each other. I had someone that demonstrated conviviality, showed genuine impartiality, cared and was nice to be around. We know we can’t get on with all so happify ourselves with the knowledge that we are capable of forming good bonds with most people. At no point would I bother with that “I will show you”. It is a feeble ploy. Some believe it will make them feel better. Maybe it does.

Some months ago, I sat there thinking about Laura. Again. Then a wave of contentment washed in. Not long before I had been battling difficult sorts. Instead of pondering how to overcome friction I was now thinking about uplifting, promising things. The wading through the philosophy, the nature of relationships and so forth was pleasant. It made me feel buoyant even though it was sailing upwind and challenging. Now it is not like that. It is has become another battle. I don’t want a battle in an arena that is supposed to be uplifting leisure time. All hobbies and interests have politics. Some have politics as the key mud that the house stands upon.

I was in the process of sculpting some clay in the shape of woman. I had dug the clay from my own land and the colour was great. If one were to try filling her mouth with a liquid, the stomach fills and once full, begins to leak out of a breast. The co-considerational selfishness illustration. I told Laura about this, a mother needs to feed herself first and that we can’t avoid being selfish. I have a feeling that this might have spurred Laura to take a glance at the book I had given her many months before. “Your contribution to philosophy”, my parting remark. What could be the worst time for Laura to discover the section ‘Laura’? It was windy that night and a gale of grief was set in motion heading towards me. She turned on the spot to face me on departure, said goodbye giving me a look that implied I was a contemptuous schoolboy. Put me on detention Laura. Make me stay after school has closed and allow me to talk with you.

I can remove myself from the hurt. However, the temptation to push back is tremendous. The greater worry is if I am viewed as obnoxious by a cliqued few. I have seen it all before. From both sides. Group dynamics follow the same pattern. They form, they bind, they shield and defend the wall. That error made a year before resonates loudly now. I had a chance to bed myself in and didn’t take it. The hints that I should go to various events were repeated week after week and I ignored them. I must have been very occupied in other areas. I think I recall being plain silly. How many times do I have to say the same thing? In a century or so a whole bunch of others will be doing similar things and using some of your molecules Laura. I know the path into a group and can choose to head that way when I want to. If you were in the slightest bit unsure it is simple. Show up, show up, turn up, be there again and again. Listen for most of the time. Gradually add to the conversations. Never make any suggestions. Keep at it and one night you find yourself included.

I know secrets unite people so will use one soon. We tell select people a secret to make them feel part of a club. This can be a useful tool to use. Being in the know makes people feel more important. This is distinct from the ploy used by attention seekers who say something is a secret to magnify its significance and thereby ensure it gets more notice.

Some of us do not want to be defeated. So, we persist and try to win at any cost, at any sensible price. Taking defeat is hard, but that was not central to the problem. There were multiple upsides to winning her over. I have known for a while that what I find most gratifying is people. I have the diminishing returns problem in both work and carnal pleasures. To get reward I now need to work ten times harder for the same feel-good hit in those areas.

Forced separations are commonplace. Some have been sent eternally into the ether. Nations have been split bludgeoning families. Petty feuds have kept many apart. There are divisions in relationships as there are divisions in prosperity. Lots of lonely souls yearning for companionship and that human touch. I am one of the ungrateful ones that have had plenty of chances, chances that I missed and chances that I didn’t let slip. I am nothing but greedy. Why not. I have been gluttonous with my use of resources without making me obese. I have explored lust to a ludicrous degree and can’t imagine what others have not been able to experience. Now I want more. A new angle. A new direction. A new harvest. I have enough wealth of time and still sufficient will to have a go before the mind is retiring and body is failing. I just wish I had more patience. I am sure a reader might like to hear Laura’s side of the story. Maybe you will one day for what it is worth. This is after all a mere tale of blowing things out of proportion. It meant a lot to me though. Pain makes you feel alive. We may try to avoid tensions, but the edginess and discomfort are moving so long as it is in moderation.

How special was Laura? We think of someone as being quite ordinary and then get to know them. We then reassess them entirely. We start to think of them as being special and above so many others. Charm works by making someone feel special and unique. The biggest rarity about Laura was that she was potent and not already taken. What chance had I with someone that needs nobody, has pride in her situation and refuses to give credit to those that have guided her. Inner beauty can get you so far but is no match for lust. Love follows where lust leads. In most cases anyway. Don’t argue with me, nature has nature’s way. I know we can use our body to get out of poverty. Some get a piece of the pie by being able to provide a means of escape.