The satisfaction of sex

The missionary position is probably a most underrated way of bonding. However, are we supposed to be content with this and nothing more? Your standard sexual routine may please you as it is coherent with your affinity, but it won’t necessarily satisfy others at all. Only consent is important. Trying to broach the subject of what your fantasies are to a partner can be far from easy. Many will introduce the ideas a little at a time and try to share an experimental adventure.

Talking about what we like in our sex lives is not easy, particularly if what you crave seems at odds with everyone else. It may be popular to mention the state and size of peoples’ breasts in one culture or the bums in another. It becomes acceptable to mention pert backsides, firm breasts and fine abs in your locality, but many will brush aside other likes as odd fetishes. A fetish, propensity, penchant and desire are all interchangeable words in this realm.

No fetish is strange to the practitioner, only to ignorant outsiders. An open admission of adoration for breasts or bottoms is just as much a fetish as anything else, it is a strong desire and attraction to them. Nobody is shocked when you join this acceptable club. You may get some giggles and grins when you bring up blow jobs or banging upside down in a lift but any hint of cross dressing, sadomasochism etc. and you can be considered, un-rightly, to be a creepy weirdo. Make no mistake about it, what people claim to just do is likely to be limited in truth. Some may keep things simple but are too dull to try more to get to the core of what they really like. They would rather let it fester. They have the wish but contain the desire to avoid being thought of as abnormal. There is of course no need to think that your plain activities are inadequate, but some people are held back. Nor is there any need to let anyone outside of your private intimate trusting relationship know what turns you on. It is much easier to talk about something you regard as sexy and having a fetish for, if it weren’t for all the disapproving detractors. A zookeeper knows this all too well. When you do find an opportunity to investigate what the population at large is doing, you will find a good few that share your fantasies in equal measure. In the same way more people follow certain sports, some sexual activities can be more prolific than others.

Some find a great partner, and all seems well until they get asked to perform a mighty odd thing. To pick one as an example, eeny meeny miny moe; urinating. Holy molly, they are asking to be pissed on. How on earth can that be any fun? Now we are back to autism and not getting what someone likes. So, what to do? The main test is; does it damage or cause pain to the doer? Maybe it will make a right mess of the carpets, but no they are happy for this to be done in the bath. Could there be some physiological harm done to the doer? That is doubtful. To urinate one needs to drink, so a potential problem, but minor unless it is in large volumes. Does it get in the way of ‘normal’ sexual activities? Can it be done in the privacy of the home or hotel room?

We question whether it would be better to terminate this relationship. Will the next person be even more strange? Will they be violent? Will they be a super spendthrift leading to bailiff visits each week? Do I just say no and let it lie, hoping that it will go away, and they contain their desires? Well, there is selfish and there is co-considerational selfishness. You will feel good about yourself when you give what someone wants. What you might read in advice columns is biased. People that you know try to present a perfect image. Things they don’t want you to find out are hidden from view. It is therefore difficult to establish what the majority really think is acceptable.

In most cases, there is rarely a request for role reversal. Someone might want to be trampled on but not the other way around. If they ask if they can trample on you it becomes a different issue. As a person doing the trampling your greatest risk is if you stumble and fall off. If you tread in the wrong place it is not you that gets hurt. Effort has to be made but it is not fair to be a victim unless you give genuine unpressured consent and are happy about it. Those that get the intimacy that they hunger for, cherish their relationship the most. Who looks elsewhere when satisfied with what you have at home?

The sexual drive we have can vary somewhat. It is as normal to have no interest in sex as it is to crave it constantly. The level of libido can be exchanged for fulfilment in other areas of life. It takes dedication to graciously give when you are not in the mood especially when it feels a chore but is thoroughly appreciated by those that want it more. Sometimes you can repay the favour in other ways rather than take it for granted.

As we proceed, we find more and more variations where some things emerge to become more of a success than others. There are endless avenues with lots of little variations to test out, each offering their own riches. You will never reach a nirvana. Rather we find highs and try out other permutations where peaks of joy can be found. To not want more is to not live to the full. Contentment is temporary. It is the dynamic changing experiences that are gratifying and rewarding.

We see someone and swoon. We are fixated. Then a few days later we see someone else and they become the new attraction. On it goes. It is not that each person is a bit nicer, but our capacity to enjoy fresh alternatives is what enchants us. This can cause us a fair bit of trouble if we are endlessly searching for more and a new slant. If this gets out of hand and becomes a necessity to bring about arousal, we might need a reset. Those who struggle to get it up or find their juices have dried up may have forgotten what it is really about. People take a complete break, a break from pornography, a break from one-night stands, then after a period of abstinence go back to where they first begun. They return to the core of what excited them in the beginning.

You can stand on a cliff edge or hang from a beam high in the sky and get a thrill. Likewise, in sex we can take ourselves close to the limit without being permanently disfigured or killed. Few want to succumb to any actual real harm. Instead it is the potential threat of being hurt that it the greatest turn on. It can be emancipating being tied up and at the mercy of a master/mistress thereby relinquishing control. It provides a contrast to other areas of life. Not all of it is real, it can be played out in a realistic manner to connive the senses. It is the thought of being in danger that provides the draw. Very few will want to be permanently injured. A seedy prostitute, dirty and disgusting can be fantasied about. You don’t really want an infection, but the risk potential is the allure.

Toying with artificial attire features a lot in the realms of modern sexual activities. Given that so many fetishes involve something plastic we wonder what went on, where some people got their kicks before such items were invented. This gets to the heart of the matter for it is not the plastic item itself that creates the excitement, but the effect it has on the visuality of the body. The cleavage, the hint of what is available attracts as often as the forbidden fruit. The objects enhance and pronounce the beguiling features of the character. The colour contrast at the junction of skin meeting accoutrement features large. Couple this with the partially hidden areas, the cleavage, and the eyes linger for ages.

Humans are human, far from a perfect model we conjure up in our imagination. Dimples, spots, marks, weight in places that we don’t want. Veins which push the life force around protruding rather than held back in tight young skin. We can keep our focus on the good bits, the pleasing aspects. They say that one finds it best to avoid having sex somewhere where you wouldn’t sleep. It may well be that your thrilling idea pans out to be rather uncomfortable, the poke of the thorns and sand in your genitalia drowns out the pleasure. As for those positions that seem so inspiring, well try it for yourself and see. Get a grip of what you have rather than what other people pretend to make look exciting. Sometimes we begin to rediscover the desire for the humanness on offer.

Nakedness has its own beauty, as does a genuine body. Makeup and clothing can hide some blemishes, things we might be less proud of. Most people look more attractive wearing something than when naked, even nubile people in their prime. In my view, and this is just my personal opinion, dressing up works best when the look is balanced between raw and artificial.

Magazines of yesteryear had sections with pictures sent in by the readers. Most were of low quality, grainy and poorly produced. Yet the popularity was enormous. The down-to-earth, candid nature and because there were no touch-ups of the photographs, it stimulated the naughty side of us even more. Contrast this with the perfection of the professional shoot and we can see that not all are wedded to clinical clean images.

How would you as a director of a porn movie show the ejaculation? You don’t have a borescope so can’t let the viewers see the spurting inside. All you have is a bit of a grunt noise from the actor. So, to spice things up visually you ask them to spunk onto their face or breasts. They do it for the film rather than because it is more enjoyable. We find ourselves copying what we see other people doing thinking that our partner will be impressed by it and that it gives us kudos with our friends. Who has the confidence to stick to what they like rather than succumb to what other people think is great? We can wrongly assume our lover will be thrilled by things we see elsewhere. A lot appears more glamourous than it really is.

The difference between self-stimulation and having other parties perform sexual play with you is enormous. One is electric and intense the other rather forgettable. Masturbation provides relief and keeps you healthy, but it has nothing like the same intensity as doing things with another person. Some do lie on top of full-sized dolls, but humanness is bewitching and irreplaceable. The body is everything and can also be presented at its best by the right kind of lighting. Clever bar owners will install blue lighting to keep you awake and use other subtle colours to flatter. You may have been somewhat unsettled by the difference in someone’s looks when outside of the club and not inebriated enough to override the concern. Most people can add a touch of sparkle and improve their appeal with a plethora of adornments simple or complex. It is the ability to exaggerate the femininity or masculinity that provides the treasure for the senses.

We are certainly drawn towards different things. Where one person’s idea of attractive can be unattractive, even repelling to another. Some see no limit to how fat someone could be, the more the better, whereas others like rake thin for example. With so many variations of hair and skin colour, to height and proportion to style and presentation, beauty in this sense is personal. In many cases, we meet somebody and then the beauty seeps out and attraction steadily builds. There is not a distinct correlation between a person’s absolute beauty and wanting to marry them. Someone who has damage may deviate even further from the mathematical ideal and be less pleasing to the eye. Where damage is not symmetrical i.e. one side of the face has an injury, the instinctive repellence becomes even greater. We need to remind ourselves though that some quirks can be attractive to many people and even preferred to a numerically aligned body.

It takes a lot of mind power to recognise faces. When we say that people with foreign ancestry all look the same it is because we haven’t seen many. The more you see the better trained you become to distinguish one from another. In a sense, it takes practice. There are some that can’t recognise faces (prosopagnosia) and presumably there will be a tiny minority that can’t gauge beauty. However, this universal beauty that most can appreciate irrespective of the creed and colour of the subject comes from magical numbers derived from the series: 0 1 1 2 3 5 8 13 21 34 55... Divide any two adjacent numbers and it heads towards 1.618, the golden ratio. You can fuss about where to measure, but the key point is that we use our eyes to approximate and we guess and rate quite well. It is not about getting a ruler out and comparing down to the width of a hair. It is the proportions from the angle we are looking at, the rough comparison that counts. One example looks closer to the beauty sweet spot than another.

We have a natural curiosity for anything unusual so will stare at those that look different. This can make those with a blotch on their face rather uncomfortable. Some apply makeup with a trowel to hide the marking, others see themselves as having a beauty spot and live with it joyously. It is all about the attitude and how they carry it off rather than seeing it as a negative. When someone stares at you there are two options. Either carry on feeling uncomfortable or smile back at them showing a couldn’t care less attitude. Ponder about those that get stared at because of their fame. You may not have asked for it and may have preferred a sense of being normal, but with a change of thinking it is so much easier to cope with it. It is worth noting that some people have mad piercings and wear wild clothes to increase the attention they get and stand out. You may see that as their choice, but you can copy their indifference to how people react.

We can all be repelled by something diseased and disturbing. Our initial prejudice towards those with startling uncommon features tends to erode quickly once we have greater familiarity with them. Rather than blaming and shaming people for their hostility and repulsion, we can understand that there is a natural instinct to shy away from any unusual form. It is also simple curiosity, and we know that to be a basic feature of all people. We steer clear of things that we perceive to be damaging to us regardless of the actual probability of it really doing us any harm. However, the greater the interaction these people have in a community the more they will be accepted. The more normal you act, the more normally you will be treated and the less odd looks you will get.

Studies have been carried out to try and work out what is usual in the arena of sex. They found that there was little in terms of standard practice and rules of thumb were thrown out of the window. One person being interviewed claimed that they could go from flaccid to discharge in ten seconds. The interviewers were in disbelief, saying that was not possible. The person dropped their trousers showing a limp penis. Then after some vigorous hand action they did indeed prove them wrong. Some like to think that it takes longer for girls to climax than the boys, but that is not strictly true. It is all individual and little to do with the type of genitalia we have. Those that have hang ups and fears of premature ejaculation need only consider taking a short rest and go a second time. They will invariably take longer to finish in the following bout.

The time spent asleep is used by the body to maintain itself, leading to wet dreams and waking up, up. Circulation doubles when erect, increasing the essential repairing blood flow. Far from doing any harm, masturbating regularly, even on a daily basis is highly recommended. It is not uncommon to continue doing so despite having an exemplary sex life with someone else. It is pleasurable primarily because it is a required function of the body to maintain its health. Added to that, regular self-induced climaxes help you discover and examine what you find favourable, both mentally and physically whatever the gender you claim to be. You can convey your favourite methods to a partner far more effectively when you have scrutinised your own mind and body. Closing one’s eyes and lusting brings no shame only inappropriate actions are devilment. Like all things in life, moderation is the aim, worrying about too much or too little is only necessary at the extremes.

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