Me and how it affects me

Me and how it affects me

A super fine husband had an accident. He was rushed to hospital where the doctors and nurses stabilised his condition. After a few months he was able to breath without mechanical assistance. However, it became apparent that there was very little chance that he would make a full recovery. In fact, he was unlikely to regain consciousness. He was in a deep coma. He underwent scans and they revealed that his mind was damaged beyond belief. Only a small part left intact. The doctors came to a stark conclusion; they believed that any hope of a meaningful recovery was most doubtful. Life support was to end. The wife on the other hand had different ideas. As the hospital was no longer prepared to nurse him, she decided that she would nurse him instead. She had him transported home and began the arduous task of feeding, watering, washing, and dealing with his ablutions. She managed to keep this up for a year. In all that time only one murmur was witnessed. Maybe gene therapy will advance in time to bring this person back to his former self. Wishful thinking. Unrealistic. It was a long year. Real commitment. Eventually she realised that it was hopeless and could not sustain it any longer. He was put to rest.

This story was told around a table with some seven others present. I said to the wife “You did that for you, not him”. The others sitting at that table began squirming in their seats and remained silent. In truth this is what she had come close to concluding too. She was appreciative that I confirmed her suspicions. It helped.

Imagine if he did recover. Imagine how great she would have felt. She would have been the one to take the glory. She would have felt magnificent. She would be vindicated and able to show the world that she held firm and did the impossible. She could have told everyone about how she stayed the course, she did it. Having a fully functioning husband again would be nice too, for her.

Some children need twenty-four-hour care. The parents of these children can find themselves in a bind. They want to do as much as they can. However, the level of support that they give to the child takes a toll. It is incredibly hard work and unrelenting. A break from it becomes quite inviting. The parents feel guilty though if they take a break away from it. They feel bad for having a rest. It can be difficult to summon the courage to take a weekend break from it. A trip to a health spa maybe. Whilst going away for a while means a little guilt and sense that you are not giving it your all, when you come back from the retreat you are refreshed. Someone that is frequently refreshed provides better care. One needs to look after oneself first. You can’t look after someone else if you are in not in a fit state to do so. You need to be a little selfish. Any charity work you commit to is not sustained when you burn out. You may wish to work every hour you can for the charity, but all work stops if it makes you ill. If you balance what you give and what you set aside for yourself, you can do more overall for others.

Two parties are considered. The care givers and the child. The charity and the charity worker. One gets the help, and one gets reward chemicals released inside them. Helping others is rewarding, but there are limits to the amount of help you can give. Give too much and it becomes detrimental to your own wellbeing. You have to be selfish. One may act in a self-considerational manner, eating well, taking breaks and allocating time on self-care. You need to look after yourself, if you want to sustain the help that you provide. It is also selfish in that the self gets the reward from giving. It is not a mean-spirited type of selfish, but selfish, nonetheless. The self receives the reward.

You could outsource the care of your child to someone else. That would give rise to another selfish conundrum. Someone else would need to put in the work. I suspect it would depend on your sense of obligation. Do you feel you have a duty, a duty to do the care giving yourself. How rewarding do you find it? Many a child is neglected because of standard-selfish desires. The balance is swung far too much in favour of the parents. Children are often neglected because people prioritise their own wishes above their children’s. It is standard-selfish if you are neglectful. A vastly different form of selfishness arises when you feel better for being the opposite of neglectful. The amount of consideration you give to the child dictates what form of selfishness presents itself. Being neglectful is not considering the needs and wellbeing of the child so would be put in the standard-selfish category. Providing plenty for a child in terms of time, love and support is considerational-selfishness. Doing something positive for another is positive for you too. Both parties gain, you and the recipient. You get the internal reward, and they get the help.

Standard-selfishness; mean spirited and self-oriented. Someone who is reticent to share. Doing things solely for your benefit. When we do things that are not primarily for our benefit but are largely for the benefit of others, we are using our considerational-selfishness. That helps motivate us. We are motivated by the chemical reward. We crave pride in ourselves. We crave a sense of satisfaction and purpose. Looking after a child makes you feel needed. It gives you relevance. Having someone depend on you could be a bane, but it is quite often a major pleasure.

I scratch your back, and you scratch mine. Then they don’t. You do something for someone, and they don’t reciprocate. You may feel like a bit of a sucker. Many monkeys are seen removing bits and pieces, ticks, mites, and debris from the hard-to-reach parts of another’s fur. Sometimes they take it in turns and help one another in this manner. However, something else is at play. Bonding. You do this kind of thing for a friend, partner, or family member. There will be suckers, but maybe they are not really suckers after all. Maybe the bonding is more important. Maybe they feel better for helping. Yes, we can do something for others for nothing other than the internal reward we get from it. This concept throws dynamite into the argument that there is mathematical logic to all of this. People put numerical values on giving and receiving. Then they come to dreadful conclusions. How do you put a number on the feel-good factor surrounding helping? You can’t.

At school your friend has forgotten their lunchbox. You offer half of what you have. They don’t pay you for it. They don’t bring in double the next day. They may never repay the favour. They may become a better friend though. Both of you gain. You may get a badge of generosity, and your image may improve. Alternatively, you may not tell anyone about it. You don’t need recognition for your kindness. You just keep it between the two of you, you felt you did the right thing. You see their gratitude, and this is something that you found pleasing enough. You don’t have any guilt for watching them go hungry. No feeling bad afterwards. One way or another you will always gain something from sharing. Albeit something small at times.

A lady slipped and managed to get her leg stuck in between the carriage and the railway platform. The train guard, along with twenty other people gathered around. Then all pushed together to release this hapless victim. They all worked together in harmony to free her. What did they gain? I suppose they can’t go anywhere with her there. It helped them get on with their journey. That wasn’t really on their minds. They wanted to solve the problem. The group effort was rewarded collectively and individually - inside each of their heads. They felt chuffed and pleased. They also had a great anecdote to share. They were part of something. Similar stories are abound; crowds lifting buses and lorries to free someone trapped underneath. Lots of people working together for no tangible gain for themselves, except that what is realised in their minds. A chemical release is real and present when we do such things.

A have heard many stories where there is a fast-instant reaction to events unfolding. A child steps into the road and someone leans across and grabs them, pulling them back. We have prior knowledge of the dangers and need no time to consider what needs to be done. It stems from earlier experiences where we learn to look after one and another. We understand how good it makes us feel. The type of person we become is rooted in what we have done and learnt in the past. We need not waste time considering what is the right thing to do in all circumstances. We act based on the rewards that we have felt in the past. Our considerational-selfish instinct to do good becomes ingrained in us.

If the lady were to fall between the train and the platform a second time, people would, once again come to help. Gladly. However, a third occurrence would invoke some raised eyebrows – a sense of her becoming a nuisance. There is a point where we like to move away from helping others too much and encouraging them to help themselves a little more.

A bunch of drunken youths stopped at a takeaway restaurant to fill their bellies before heading home. A camera operator zoomed in on them and watched on. Whilst one was inside buying his midnight feast another was outside attempting to straighten a metal bicycle rack. It appeared to have been nudged over by a car. The first youth was unable to budge it, despite being quite burly. Another lad had a go and failed. Then the third who had finally got his meal order came out to show them how it is done. The look of smugness, self-congratulation and top of the pecking order feeling was not forthcoming. They all failed. So, like all troublesome yobs they combined they strength. Together they managed to do it and then walked off. They all felt good for overcoming the challenge of putting something right, upright. It was an innocuous thing that bonded the group a little more. They all gained from making their community a little less unkempt. We make the world a better place for others, and it gives the individual some satisfaction that they were part of it. Considerational-selfishness at its finest. Cooperating to get a share of the satisfaction.

We call people selfish when they refuse to share, when they are not keen to help and generally not considering what others might like. Those that do consider what someone else wants or needs, are being co-considerationally selfish. We can do something for someone else and get an internal reward. This is co-considerational selfishness. Two people gain, you and the recipient of the help. You can give a gift to someone, they get the item, and you get the pleasure from your generosity. Pure selfishness is when we do something where we are the only beneficiary. We also cooperate by doing things for the mutual benefit of many. We may pool resources and split the profits, so each gain together.

I want to point out a subtle but significant difference between mutualism and co-considerational selfishness. Suppose a market stall is selling donuts in packs of twelve. Now someone asks you if you wouldn’t mind going half each on a pack. They only want six donuts. If you too, only wanted six, then clubbing together is mutualistic. You pay for the twelve between you and split the pack taking six each. This is mutualism. However, if you are not terribly keen on any donuts, but decide to help out by clubbing in anyway, then it becomes co-considerational selfishness. We feel good that we made somebody’s else’s life easier. You did it to assist and be obliging. You see their appreciation. You become a better person in that moment. Mutualism is cold and logical, co-considerational selfishness is emotional and with feeling. Sometimes our actions can be a fusion of the two. Mutualism is pooling resources to make it better for all. Co-considerational selfishness would be pooling to help the less well off, to help others, to assist where there is no desire for material gain.

It is virtually impossible to avoid some form of selfishness rearing its head in any interaction with others. Taking the trouble to listen makes people respect and like you more. You gain. Holding a ladder for someone, fetching something, providing directions somewhere, you name it, it makes us feel better for doing these things. Many of us will feel bad when we don’t help when we could have. Not feeling bad is better for us. There will be times when the feel-good factor is muted. We become accustomed to behaving in a kind, nice, way. So accustomed that we stop paying attention to why we do things. We recall instances when we felt a bit guilty. We don’t want to feel like that again, so we change tact. Changing tact changes who we are, and new habits form so that we can respond quickly, automatically. When we are decent, life runs smoothly. For us. It is always us. Always us that is at the centre of all that we do. That may be seem disenchanting, not what we want to hear but, in many ways, it is a great thing. Selfishness is a powerful drive that is predominately beneficial for all. Selfishness is complex and multi-faceted. It is not confined to self-preservation, self-centeredness or being mean and inconsiderate. It is found in co-operation, assisting and generosity too.

A young child was spending an afternoon with some school friends and a gaggle of elderly people. It was a scheme set up to bridge the generation gap. They were out in a large park for a sizable walk. One lady got left behind. The child noticed that one was missing so she backtracked and went looking for her. How kind, how sweet. The child found the old lady quite quickly. As they recognise each other the old lady’s face lit up. She was jolly pleased that the child had come back to see where she was. A fantastic heartwarming smile on both of their faces. The child felt pleased for her efforts. She was however, wrapped up in a rounding up of the sheep game. She was curious to know where one of the ladies had gone. She felt great for showing care for someone else. She had a reward that no money could buy. The child did it in part to show care for others but also for her own personal satisfaction. Curiosity – where is she? Co-considerational- selfishness, thinking about the welfare of the old lady whilst also completing her rounding-up-sheep challenge.

I told you curiosity is in all and everything. Where is the lady. Why has she fallen behind. How can I help someone. Will it make me look good. What is troubling someone. What would help. Will me helping come across as interfering? Who deserves what I have to give. Will they become dependent on regular help. What is the best form of help to give. Who will lose out. Will others become jealous. We are curious about helping and also considering how it impacts us and the those being helped. Curiosity links with selfishness and both with reward.

Lots of ladybirds hibernate around my windows. Every spring I send them on their merry way. I spend quite a while collecting them up and ousting them. I get some happiness from doing this. I help them, they make me a little more content. I have spent a lot of money buying land to rewild. It has cost me an awful lot. However, it makes me seem less of a hypocrite and I feel less self-orientated. Selfishness whether co-considerational or not involves lots of factors. It is a two-part thing. You give back and simultaneously gain pride in yourself.