Step parenting

Step parenting

People like to think that it shouldn’t matter whether the children in your care are biologically yours or not; step parenting is the same as any other parenting. That can be wishful thinking. Families may claim that it is all the same, but when the relationship breaks down a gulf emerges. Step children commonly desert any former step parents and resort to type.

Taking on the responsibility of a child that is not half-yours is always going to be different from one that is half-yours. Accepting that is important. The circumstances will be different in each family unit, but step parents have found it easier if they never position themselves as the new mother or father, but simply as a new guardian. This would imply that a step child is in effect a guest in your home. Certain key decisions are left to the biological parents, pulling the rug from beneath the step parent. This can be particularly frustrating. Reasonable ground rules can be set. They would no different from rules any guest would be expected to follow whilst in your home. Rules are not the same as ideals. We don’t tend to impose our ideology on other people’s children that live elsewhere, so perhaps they need not be imposed on step children. Explain your ideals by all means. Tell them what you believe, but make it clear that it is your way of thinking and not something they need copy.

If you have experienced testing times with your own children, then brace yourself for a whole new set of challenges with step children. Half-yours is monumentally different for not-yours. As a biological parent, pay close attention to the responses of the newly incumbent step parent. Violence and abuse towards children that are not biologically ours is fantastically higher than it is towards those that are half-thiers. Humans are not the only animals that can be malicious to offspring derived from former relationships. In part, the issue stems from the lack of bonding that usually takes place, nicely, shortly after birth. When that crucial early-days-bonding is not evident, the care we have towards the child can be most lacking. Assume nothing. Neither step mothers nor step fathers are better or worse in regards their attitude towards children in their care.

The start of the step parent/child relationship story ought to be a wonderful magical spell. However, magical intentions rarely produce magical bliss. It takes time for people to adjust and accept you. It takes time to build a connection. Distancing yourself at the start is fine. Focusing your attention on your new partner is the key, involving the step children little by little.

We don’t expect to get on with everyone we meet in our lives. Characters clash. We all see things differently. This principle applies with step children too. Wait for the child to approach you in a positive manner and reciprocate accordingly. When they are pleasant you can be even more pleasant in return. If they are hostile there is no need to retaliate, just let it go. Step children can be fickle, unpredictable and liable to swing from being accommodating to being quite awkward. They are renown for wanting to cause disruption in the hope that you disappear allowing for their real mother/father to return.

It is much easier starting a parent-child relationship with someone from birth than it ever will be at a later stage. In the instances where a disciplinary event arises, it may be wise to stand aside and let the biological parents deal with the situation. You are entitled to voice your opinions but only a few gain true authority despite the time they put in over the years. Some do get to a point where they love and regard a step child as one of their own, whilst others wonder why they bothered to put in so much effort. Not everyone will consider it as a failure if you don’t become best friends. Some will show appreciation for your sacrifices and dedication, others not so much. The rest may be resentful. In fairness children that are biologically half-yours can be equally resentful. We tend to blame our parents more than we thank them for trying, doing, and paying for everything.

No matter how distant or how poorly perceived the biological mother or father may be, there is always an inclination for the child to want contact with them to some extent. Considering that there can still be love and affection between parent and child within the evilest of people throughout the world, it seems pointless trying to interfere with this bond.

Joe and John are genetically identical. At birth they looked identical, so their mother painted one of Joe’s toenails to keep check on who is who. But she painted John’s toenail by mistake. Joe grew up as John and vice-versa. John had a child with Mary. A few years went by, and they split up. Mary then married Joe, and they had a child too. Mary has two children by two fathers who both provided the same genetic input. Is it the knowledge of who provided the sperm or egg that makes all the difference I wonder?