Step parenting

Step parenting

People might like to think that it shouldn’t matter whether the children are biologically yours or not; step parenting is the same as any other parenting. That can be wishful thinking. Take a glance at those families that stated that it is all the same, then as soon as they split up a gulf emerged. Step children commonly desert any former step parents and resort to type.

Taking on the responsibility of a child that is not ‘yours’ is always going to be different to having a child of your own. Accepting this is important. The circumstances will be different in each family unit, but step parents have found it easier if they never position themselves as the new mother or father, but simply as a new guardian. This would imply that a step child is in effect a guest in your home. Certain key decisions are left to the biological parents, pulling the rug from beneath the step parent. This can be particularly frustrating. Reasonable ground rules are set for step child that mirror rules that we expect any guest to follow while in your home. Rules are not the same as ideals. We don’t tend to impose our ideals on other people’s children that live elsewhere, so we can make our ideals known but not imposed on step children.

Distancing yourself is not necessarily an inappropriate option in the formative years of a new relationship. Making too much effort can sometimes end up being counterproductive. Focusing your attention on your partner is the key, involving the step children when they are ready to interact congenially. When the child approaches you in a positive manner you can reciprocate accordingly. When they are pleasant you can be even more pleasant in return. If they are hostile there is no need to retaliate, just let it go. Step children can be fickle, unpredictable and liable to swing from being accommodating to quite awkward quite quickly. Not too dissimilar to many people in the work place. The danger is in the feeling of failure if you don’t get on with the child. You can’t be expected to get on well and become friends with everyone that you meet during your life and the same principle applies with step children.

It is much easier starting a parent-child relationship with someone from birth than it ever will be at a later stage. In the instances where a disciplinary event arises, there is less heartache if you stand aside and let the biological parents control the situation. You are entitled to voice your opinions but will rarely gain true authority despite the time you put in over the years. Some do get to a point where they love and regard the child as one of their own, whilst others wonder why they bothered to put so much effort in. Not everyone will consider it as a failure if you don’t become best buddies. Some will show appreciation for your sacrifices and dedication, others not so much, the rest may resent you. In fairness children that are biologically half yours can be equally resentful. We tend to blame our parents more than we thank them for trying, doing, and paying for everything.

No matter how distant or how poorly perceived the ‘real’ mother or father may be, there is always an inclination for the child to want contact with them to some extent. Considering that there can still be love and affection between parent and child within the evilest of people throughout the world, it seems pointless trying to interfere with this bond.

You have a child with somebody then get locked up for a while. In your absence your twin gets together with your partner. The child will have a remarkably parallel genetic link to their new guardian. Is it a step child or something else? What about bringing up a child that you think is yours, but is not? Is it the knowledge of who provided the sperm or egg that makes all the difference I wonder?