Discipline

Discipline

Hitting, smacking, or aggressively disciplining a child works against you. It benefits no one. Violence breeds more violence. The ugly tone gets passed down the generations. We believe it is acceptable because it is what we experienced during our own childhood. Breaking the chain and trying new tactics is admirable. It is a lot easier than one might think. Vent your anger and frustration elsewhere. No child deserves to be treated harshly. If for example your toddler comes up from behind and bites you unexpectedly, it is common for people to lash out. Reacting in this way is hard to avoid. It is similar to an involuntary response to an insect sting. However, running after them and hitting them is not reasonable. Instinctive reactions may be an exception to the no violence rule, but most people will find themselves in this situation once or twice at most in the whole of a child’s life.

Some people may witness a child hitting another child then smack the child for doing so. This brings about the assumption in the child’s mind that lashing out is acceptable, particularly if you are bigger or stronger than the victim. You will always achieve a more desirable result by communicating calmly; that hitting others won’t be tolerated.

Shouting and raising your voice is best kept for real emergencies, when the house is on fire, not because the bins haven’t been emptied. Raising your voice is self-defeating; it becomes normal and gradually less and less effective. Shouting is for instances where there is a major problem. If you talk to them in a quiet manner they will listen more, copy you and shout less too. Everyone gets stressed out by raised voices. It doesn’t get the respect that we wish for. It is more likely to create resentment.

When they are acting badly there is an alternative to shouting “NO, DO NOT DO THAT”. Approach them slowly. Get up close, right in their face, speak in a firm quiet voice - almost a whisper, “No. Do not do that.” This method works a charm. Shouting remains effective when you reserve it for times such as when you spot them about to grab a pot of boiling water.

Some people see physical discipline as necessary to get children to behave. They want children to be respectful towards their elders. However, millions of us have demonstrated that physical discipline is never needed to keep good control. It is damaging, rather than helpful. The question of when physical punishment becomes assault as the child nears adulthood cannot be answered easily. The violence follows down the line and lots will continue to hit their children as, “it did me no harm.” It did a great deal of harm. It instilled a false idea that violence is the only way to bring people into line. Anyway, are children not ‘on your side’, are they not a kind of team member rather than punch bags.

There is outrage and upset when news of something nasty happens to a child, yet there seems to be a perverse acceptance of violent discipline at home. No child is the same and some will be more testing than others, but all are manageable one way or another. I have seen children dodge the swipes of their mothers, learning how to dodge ever quicker rather than learning to behave. Fish suck their baby fry into their mouths and spit them back into the nursery area. Once the baby fish learn to be quick enough to avoid getting swallowed, they make their way out to open waters. Copy fish at your peril.

Children will make mistakes. You did when you were a child. How we respond can either instil confidence or a fear of failure. When a child drops some crockery, you can either scream and shout or calmly ask them to clear it up and get another one. A little sigh maybe but no problem, no anger, no punishment. A child who is trying to help, gets scolded and then frightened to do things. We learn by being a little embarrassed, a bit sorry for our clumsiness. The greater the fear of doing something wrong, the worse things become. Do you want admiration as a parent or do you want your children to resent you because they always fear doing things wrong, being wrong, being different. Let them do it their way even if it different to how you do it. Even if it seems slower. Even if it is not exactly how you would do it. Give them gentle guidance rather than berate them.