Discipline

Discipline

Hitting, smacking, or aggressively disciplining a child works against you. It benefits no one. Violence breeds more violence. The ugly tone gets passed down for generations. We believe it is acceptable because it is what we experienced ourselves during our own childhood. Breaking the chain and trying new tactics is admirable. It is a lot easier than one might think. Vent your anger and frustration elsewhere. No child deserves to be treated harshly.

If for example your toddler comes up from behind and bites you unexpectedly, it is common for people to lash out. Reacting in this way is hard to avoid. It is similar to an involuntary response to an insect stinging. However, running after them and hitting them is not reasonable. Instinctive reactions may be an exception to the no violence rule, but most people will only find themselves in this situation once or twice in the whole of a child’s life.

Some people may witness a child hitting another child then smack the child for doing so. This brings about the assumption in the child’s mind that lashing out is acceptable, particularly if you are bigger or stronger than the victim. You will always achieve a more desirable result by communicating calmly; that hitting others won’t be tolerated and is unnecessary.

Shouting and raising your voice is best kept for real emergencies, when the house is on fire, not because the bins haven’t been emptied. Raising your voice is self-defeating; it becomes normal and gradually less and less effective. Shouting is for instances where there is a major problem. If you talk to them in a quiet manner they will listen more, copy you and shout less too. Everyone gets stressed out. It doesn’t get the respect that we wish for. It is more likely to create resentment.

When they are acting badly there is an alternative to shouting “NO, DO NOT DO THAT”. Approach them slowly, once up close, right in their face, speak in a firm quiet voice - almost a whisper “No, do not do that.” Any infrequent shouting remains effective when you reserve it for times when you spot them about to grab a pot of boiling water.

Some people have taken the view that discipline is paramount so that the child learns to behave and is always respectful of their elders. However, many many others have demonstrated that it is without doubt, avoidable and damaging on the whole. The question of when the punishment becomes an assault as the child nears adulthood cannot be answered easily. The violence follows down the line and lots will continue to hit their children as “It did me no harm.” The harm that it did was instilling a false idea that that is the only way to bring people into line. Anyway, are children not ‘on your side’, are they not a kind of team member?

There is often outrage and upset when news of something nasty has happened to a child, yet there seems to be a perverse acceptance of aggressive discipline at home. No child is the same and some will be more testing than others, but all are manageable one way or another.

I have seen children dodge the swipes of their mothers learning how to dodge ever quicker rather than learning to behave. It is like the fish in the sea who keep sucking the baby fry into their mouths and spits them back into the nursery area. Once the baby fish learns to be quick enough to avoid getting swallowed, they can then make their way out to open waters.

Children will make mistakes. You did when you were a child. How we respond can either instil confidence or a fear of failure. When a child drops some crockery, you can either scream and shout or ask them to clear it up and get another one. No sighing, no anger, no problem. A child who is trying to help, gets scolded and then frightened to do things. They learn by being a little embarrassed, a bit sorry for their clumsiness rather than worried that whatever they do could lead to some kind of punishment.