Giving children options

Options

Giving a child options can make things very messy indeed. In a classic case of telling a child to go to bed, many will say, “Go to bed now or you will not have any sweets tomorrow.” This contains the curse of providing an option. The child will probably get the sweets anyway. They may consider it better to stay up late than having a few treats. Your command is being undermined. Simply repeat “go to bed now” over and over and bit-by-bit they edge towards the door, then up to bed. Ignore their protestations and stick to the instruction, no deviation, and no compromise. If they come back down, pick them up, without any discussion and put them back in their room. Repeat until they stay in bed. Options provide choices. The fatal word, the small seemingly innocuous word, ‘or’ is the one that causes the headache. …or I will tell your father. …or you will get a smack from your mother when she gets back.

Each time they disobey your instructions you edge one step closer to losing all control. People ask nicely and get ignored. So, they shout and get ignored again. Then after even more yelling they still get ignored. Those that never allow their children to get the upper hand in the first place, manage to become authoritative parents without having to resort to aggression and ill-tempered actions. Authoritative but not akin to a military commander. Patience and persistence are key, never backing down. The irony is that we like teachers more if they can control the class. Fashionable new age willy nilly styles might sound progressive but throwing out old tried and tested methods is plain pointless.

Sometimes you realise that what you asked them to do was not particularly important, but now that you have, you still need to insist they do as requested regardless. The child has a gadget that you want to use, and they fold their arms with it held tucked in. You ask them over and over to hand it to you and then reconsider whether you really need it. Having asked them for it, you can no longer back down. If you don’t get your way, the next time it gets even more difficult. Soon they find more and more ways of doing what they want, ignoring your instructions.

The minute you start letting them win you begin the slide down into eternal grief. Letting them win does not refer to allowing them to have a head start in a board game, which some parents might do to give them hope and more engagement. Instead, it means that if you make a ruling you must stick to it right through to the end consistently. Too many parents will get exasperated and give up allowing the child to take over. As the years pass you end up with less and less control and it becomes a bigger challenge trying to be at peace with them.

There is a big difference between being overly controlling and merely setting boundaries. When the line is crossed you reign it in. Why waste time and effort getting them to tidy their bedroom if it is not a fire hazard, just close the door and forget about it.

Some parents will have many children and find one that is a bit more awkward than the rest. Whilst more patience that ever is needed, all kids are fundamentally the same and can be nurtured equally well. Make no mistake, no child is so special that standard techniques of handling them do not apply. It is a battle of wills between adult and child. The adult has to dig deep to find the capacity to prevail. Having said that, is it possible that you have a psychopathic super awkward one on your hands? Maybe, but on balance of probabilities it is unlikely.

They can’t have what you haven’t got. So, when you offer a yellow ice lolly and they start getting into a tantrum because they want a red one, just take no notice. Why some would go to great lengths to explain that the shop is out of red ones, and this is all you have is perplexing. “Do you want it or not?” introduces them to the realities of life; we can’t always get what we want when we want.