Going from one extreme to another in our parenting

One extreme to another

We learn a lot from our parents, too much sometimes. The things that were put on us, we put on our own children. Some things however get translated into opposites. You might have felt too restricted in your youth, so you decide to give your own children a lot freer reign. Food and manners are hot topics in this regard. “I was made to eat a whole lot of horrid things when I was young, so my children can eat as little or as much of whatever they like.” You did not like having to sit at the table until you finished a mountain of vegetables, especially ones that were half cooked or soggy. Therefore, you won’t put your kids through that. You hated it. It sticks in your mind hence you decide that is one thing you will not put your kids through. People swing from one extreme to the other though, rather than attempting some kind of commendable balance. You need not force heaps of vegetables on them, but offer some, and encourage them to eat a little. Even a small amount goes a long way towards them getting a healthy diet. If not vegetables, then there are plenty of alternatives that are equally fine. Fret not.

Some parents hate to see children play with their food. Yet experts brought in to get kids to eat more variety, begin by getting them to play with food. Let them play. Let them feel food in their hands. Soon after they have it in their mouths.

What happened to you as a child may have been extreme. Were you parents right to some degree. Rather extreme and forceful maybe, but fundamentally right. Can you temper what your parents did and bring it into balance with your children.

It can be entertaining watching parents employ different tactics in a restaurant. Some will insist their children sit still, bored, and frustrated. A pacifier of sorts is brought out. Others allow theirs to run amok. Do we mind a child of ours playing under the table? Not at all. Do we mind them telling yet another table of other diners about the snake their dad caught some years ago? Not at all. Unless they are in clear and obvious danger there is nothing wrong with allowing them to roam within reason. Being naturally curious and wanting to explore the surroundings is a desirable feature of all children. We worry about upsetting other diners, but it is the parents that stand out as the most annoying. Making excuses and labelling them with some form of disorder is a great way of masking parental inadequacies.

Children and cats both have curiosity. They have something else in common too. If they want something they will come to you. What neither cats nor children like is being picked when they don’t want to be picked up.

Ignore bad behaviour. Ignore tantrums. Always respond positively to good behaviour. When they play up, turn your head away and wait. Wait until their behaviour becomes acceptable before you re-interact with them. The last step is most important. You must give them lots of attention when they cool down and behave well.

Pandering to a child in an ill-behaved state makes things worse, worse forever. Many parents will have great difficulty with this aspect of parenting, especially in public places. They are screaming out, so much so that their face turns bright red. The urge to do something to avoid the embarrassment is strong. Let me tell you. If you allow the tantrum to pass, by ignoring them, magic happens. Each tantrum becomes less lengthy. As the weeks pass, the tantrums disappear in seconds, for they know it won’t work.

It is hard to ignore your child when they are crying and getting steamed up. One must endure it, look away from them. They will calm down eventually for sure. Do not liaise with them whilst they are screaming. A child sulk-screaming must not draw your attention. You must, must, must, however, pay them plenty of attention when they calm down. Once calm re-interact. Reward them if you like.

They want to go; you want to stay. What to do? The easy option is to bend to their wishes. Playing fair is taking them to places they want to go and for them to understand that they need to be tolerant of your wishes too.

Sweetness and innocence can disappear and in its place a nightmare child is awoken in what seems like an overnight transformation. Bad, bad, behaviour, major tantrums. Your home is a stress zone. It is far more than something to garner some attention. Each tactic you try just leads to an escalation. Insults. Resentment. One solution to this is to just laugh at them. Make fun of their actions using the best humour you can devise, but never, ever, display any annoyance. Hard but effective.

Children can be annoying. No, children are annoying. They are on aggregate, fantastic really, but when they are particularly annoying, annoy them back in the exact same way, repeatedly, for a good while after. Copy what they do and do it back to them. If they keep asking an inane question oven and over. Ask them an inane question over and over. If they keep prodding you. Prod them back relentlessly. If they keep asking what the time is. Ask them what the time is over and over for the rest of the day.