Going from one extreme to another in our parenting

One extreme to another

When a child becomes a parent themselves, they often use the same tactics that were used on them in their own childhood. Some however get translated into opposites. You might have felt too restricted in your youth, so you decide upon giving your own children much more free reign. Food and manners are hot topics in this regard. “I was made to eat a whole lot of horrid things when I was young, so my children can eat as little or as much of whatever they like.” You did not like having to sit at the table until you finished a mountain of vegetables, especially ones that were half cooked or soggy. Therefore, you won’t put your kids through that. You hated it. It sticks in your mind hence you decide that is one thing you will not put your kids through. People swing from one extreme to the other though, rather than attempting some sort of commendable balance. You need not force them but offer some and encourage them to eat a little. Even a small amount goes a long way towards them getting a healthy diet. If not vegetables, then there are plenty of alternatives that are equally fine. Fret not.

Some parents hate to see children play with their food. Yet experts brought in to get kids to eat more of a variety, begin by getting them to play and feel the food in their hands. Soon after they have it in their mouths.

What happened to you as a child may have been extreme. Have you got the bravery to see that it had some virtue and can be moderated, brought into balance rather than banished completely?

It can be entertaining watching parents employ different tactics in a restaurant. Some will insist their children sit still, bored, and frustrated. A pacifier of sorts is brought out. Others allow theirs to run amok. Do we mind a child of ours playing under the table? Not at all. Do we mind them telling yet another table of other diners about the snake their dad caught some years ago? Not at all. Unless they are in clear and obvious danger there is nothing wrong with allowing them to roam within reason. Being naturally curious and wanting to explore the surroundings is a desirable feature of all children. We worry about upsetting other diners, but it is the parents that stand out as the most annoying. Making excuses and labelling them with some form of disorder is a great way of masking parental inadequacies.

Children can be like cats, they come to you when they want something. They prefer to be picked up when they want to rather than you grab them when it suits you.

“Ignore bad behaviour and tantrums, always respond positively to good behaviour” is a famous motto. When they play up, turn your head away and wait. When the behaviour becomes acceptable, re-interact. Pandering to the child in their ill-behaved state makes things worse, worse forever. Many parents will have great difficulty with this aspect, especially in public places. Being a little embarrassed a few times is a good price to pay, as these situations will gradually lessen over time. If you want to keep control, then you can’t let them take over. They want to go, you want to stay. What to do? The easy option is to bend to their wishes. Playing fair is taking them to places they want to go and for them to understand that they need to be tolerant of your wishes too.

It is hard to ignore your child when they are crying and getting steamed up. One must endure it, look away from them. They will calm down eventually for sure. Do not liaise with them whilst they are behaving unacceptably. A child sulking or screaming must not draw your attention. You must, must, must, however, pay them plenty of attention when they are being convivial. As soon as they calm down, re-interact, reward them if you like.

Sweetness and innocence can disappear and in its place a nightmare child is awoken in what seems like an overnight transformation. Bad bad behaviour, major tantrums. Your home is a stress zone. It is not just a fit to garner some attention, as each tactic you try just leads to an escalation. Insults. Resentment. Just laugh at them. Make fun of their actions using the best humour you can devise, but never ever display any annoyance. Hard but effective.

Children can be annoying. No, children are annoying. They are on aggregate, fantastic really, but when they are particularly annoying, annoy them back in the exact same way, repeatedly for a good while after.