Fitting in

The mechanics of popularity is something I have found rather intriguing. There doesn’t seem to be a precise formula that one can use to make oneself more popular. Though there are things that certainly do not help. Does fakery assist? There are notable trade-offs in this realm to consider too. Being popular and the centre of attention doesn’t mean you are necessarily liked by all. Far from it. Classmates fawned prominent souls in public but would tell me in private that they didn’t particularly like them very much at all. Arrogance and cockiness made a few the center of attention, they were talked about a lot but were not universally adored. I saw some become popular for a while, but then fade, becoming eclipsed by someone else.

I was prepared to experiment and see what needed to be done to increase my own popularity. I did consider if it is something to be relished. How popular do I want to be? We may need to adjust some of our ways if we want to fit in and get along better with others. I made an active effort to listen a lot more.

I have noticed something. One could be dishevelled. One could be the least attractive person in the room, but people will talk and talk to you if you listen well. I could have conversations, for hours on end, with all kinds of people regardless of how important or how attractive they were. All using the power of listening. Any questions would be directly related to what they were talking about. As the years passed, I managed to put some finesse into it. I would add succinct anecdotes and gradually put more snippets of my thoughts into the conversation. I spent three quarters of the time listening, making sure what I said was short and to the point. Despite all of this I was still not feeling popular. It only worked in places that were quiet and where it was conducive for talking. The best times were on holidays when people were able to sit until well beyond midnight unburdening their sorrows. Once I hooked someone, I could keep the conversation going for unbelievable lengths of time. This was not too difficult. I overheard some of their friends the next day saying, “that was who you were talking to all night.” I had been in queues talking for hours with some fine specimens that ordinarily you might not get the chance to engage with. I soon discovered the art of moving the conversation on in a different direction, well before any boredom set in. Changing tack using clues from body language and signs written on their faces. A long wait could be metamorphosed into a damn good time.

Popularity is akin to leadership. We can’t all be the leader, nor can we all be popular. And nor do most want to be. We can all strive to be accepted though. We endeavour to create friendships that are meaningful to us. Joys are amplified when we have a circle to spend moments with, celebrating our highs and having a morsel of comfort when we are at our low points.

I found myself dividing my time across too many people. It is useful to mingle with many. However, the downside of mingling with too many different groups is that you never feel fully included in any of the groups. You don’t get invites. You don’t feel a part of something valuable. I needed to devote my attention to one bunch rather than spread myself too thinly. It takes a long time to bond and be accepted. We are naturally cliquey. It is hard work getting in and all too easy to slip out. I only blame myself as so many sets of people have been rather accommodating.

When we meet new people, we feel a bit of an outsider for quite a while. This is normal. It takes a while before we are accepted and privy to all the inner goings on. It is a natural process. Cemented members are sniffy at first but gradual hatching of membership takes place. There is a point where we feel like a paid-up member. It may take persistence to get there, or something triggers acceptance. A certain event can allow us to be included. It is not just trust that forms a barrier. Making space for someone new alters the status quo. There are many barriers in groups, and we like to think of ourselves as more open than what we really are. Deep down we are loath to let our guard down completely and let new entrants shine too much too quickly.