Fitting in with others

Attractiveness; an agent of attention

How attractive one is can sure play a big part in how we get on in life. I have seen people stop and goggle at handsome bar staff and I have seen others smitten by pretty young things, paying them double the attention of others in the same role. I thought at first that life would be so much easier for them, they didn’t have to work so hard to get attention. However, I quickly realised that this strength was lost as they aged and needed to be replaced by a personality. I also saw that they had as many problems as the rest of us. Many yearned for even greater perfection in their appearance when all I saw was incredible beauty. I suppose that whilst some could have more affairs and greater opportunities, they can still only have one meaningful relationship at a time. Maybe polygamous to some level if they have the energy, wish and commitment to devote precious time away from doing as many things for themselves in individual pursuits.

Being attractive is one thing but seeing charlatans at work was a major bugbear; To see people fall for someone due to the flattery they were given and see them promise the world and deliver nothing but hardship and heartache. I can’t blame someone for ‘getting the girl / bagging the boy’ by conning and conniving rather than living on the side-lines. I had the most stupid thought that attractiveness is a gift blessed from one’s parents and that credit didn’t belong to them. Hence charm was misdirected. In reality we credit ourselves for what we are. This became an enduring lesson on how we think as youngsters and get the wrong idea about many things. Rather than see the power of charm I would be condescending, wrongfully, and revel more in bringing people down to earth. Oh, how different things look in hindsight and how easy it is to forget the troubles of those growing up. Even with the hindsight and new awareness, old habits die hard.

I have to admit that nothing surpasses the special enjoyment of talking to highly feminine characters in their prime. The optimum age is somewhere between 19 and 25 but this is me and subject to many exceptions. Any younger and their lack of substance doesn’t inspire. Too much older and the magic is not quite there. There is of course a different type of enjoyment talking to older people. It can be at a higher level and less needs to be said to convey our thoughts. It is the aspect of youth with its eagerness of life, far less worldly wise and not yet tainted that is the draw. Listening to the inflections of their voice is magnetic, irrespective of any accents. That coupled with their wondrous facial expressions. I see the optimism and the openness that fades and gets lost with age. I don’t see it as an ingredient in popularity as I think character plays a much bigger part. You hear people say that what is inside that matters the most, but our physicality plays a huge part in how we are treated.

What is it that gives some so much gravitas? Do I accept my strengths and accept that no matter how hard I try I am not ever going to emulate the success that I perceive a few to have. Or do I continue to work on the popularity project and see what it brings and decide if it is worthwhile.

In my early years I had a massive fear of approaching someone who had the looks that made a good contender as a partner. It wasn’t until I got a partner that I lost this fear entirely. In other circumstances prior I was as bold and free from embarrassment as any other time in my life, just not with potential suitors. Now, if a conversation or situation went awry, I could correct it. If I jumbled sentences up and it all went wrong at the start, I would just say what the heck am I saying and just start again. Doing so made me appear most human and the fluster added rather than detracted from the event.

There is a state before I become fully awake, when I daydream and I have often pictured finding a friend, polar opposite physically but romance free. Someone whom I share a good deal of time with without the bedevilment of sex. Of course, anyone attractive that you spend time with, will grow and grow on you. It is rare for it to work for long. I thought finding such a friend was highly unlikely. After decades and decades having that at the back of my mind, I did find such a friend. She was there in plain sight. I didn’t see it at first. When I did it was truly great. As predicted, it didn’t last anywhere near as long as I wished it had. I knew what to do and what not to do. Yet, I still messed it up. One thing is for sure, I made use of the time and will always be glad I met her. The sex came and went. That was not the problem though. All this “I can die happy now”, rings true. I want to live happy. I have had the taste of the most sumptuous caviar, and now nothing competes, nothing satisfies, nothing compensates. I did a lot right, knowing that helps not. We relate to some more than others. We need them to like us in equal measure. I could detail so much that gives me a belief that we had something, something very good. I despise the haters that set up my downfall. Ultimately, I blame myself for losing to those better at politics. I can’t even say that I will learn for the next time. A next time is too improbable.

Continuing with this particularly polemical chapter, I look back and ponder about all those instances of rejection. There were countless occasions where I wasn’t given the chance. One look and instant rejection. Dismissed without batting an eyelid. You then have a multitude of options. Do I ignore it and worry not? Do I suppress how irritated I get by it, mutter something along the lines of stuck-up cow, arrogant pig. Am I looking at it in the right way?

People think of the things that make them great if only they had the opportunity to get others to see it. People are not reassured in any shape or form by a friend saying that they could do better than that. They have been stonewalled. You’re annoyed and they are oblivious to your hurt. It is easy to say that such things shouldn’t trouble us, but they do. It began to dawn on me that people grey out and that I was as big a culprit as anyone else. I notice what I want to notice. I allow my focus to linger on what appeals to me, ignoring the rest. If I do it, then it is daft to start condemning others for doing it too. Nevertheless, in so many circles I found myself being accepted and treated pretty well indeed. So, I have nothing much to complain about.

When I and others look at someone of some attractiveness and character, we may want some engagement with them. When we are not allowed access to them, if you know what I mean, we see it as a bit of a slight. The problem is that we are bothered about it, but they do not have us in the forefront of their mind like we do of them. It is hard for some to ignore how exasperating they can find it. Like most of the objects in their surroundings, you form part of an insignificant haze. In truth I do the same. There are many people who I just do not have time for. I make quick judgements and for the most trivial of reasons discount people on a whim. I am wanting respect from others without paying the same respect to those that I myself dismiss. By and large I choose who I speak to and most certainly pick who I approach. For example, I will sidle up to a valent soul ignoring another who has some body art on show, body art faded to that convict blue. My disdain reflects a prejudice with absolutely no regard for how great a person they may be. When I learn the value of relinquishing all self-importance, I can begin to be as admirable as so many others. Many manage to be very cordial and have such a lot of true grace and compassion towards everyone they meet. Or do I not notice other people’s propensity to give a wide berth to people that appear snobbish or infantile or hard or whatever and such characters do not exist. Doesn’t everyone avoid some types. Do we all have some wariness brought about by bad experiences or stories told to us by our parents and friends?