Fitting in

One of the many things that intrigued me whilst growing up was the mechanics behind popularity and fitting in. I was interested in what made some people more popular than others. I saw some have prominence for a while, but then fade, becoming eclipsed by someone else. Arrogance and cockiness made some the center of attention. Whilst many fawned them in public, people would tell me in private that they didn’t actually like them very much at all. Popular people got talked about a lot but didn’t seem to be universally adored.

I was prepared to experiment to see if I could change in order to increase my own popularity and consider if it is something to be relished. Or would it be better to make the most of my current position and accept that as being sufficient? I made an active effort to listen more as I noticed that no matter what the status or even how ‘ugly’ someone is, people will talk and talk to them if they listened well. I could have conversations with all kinds of people regardless of how important or how attractive they were for hours on end using the power of listening. Any questions would be directly related to what they were talking about. As the years passed, I managed to put some finesse into it where I would add some succinct anecdotes and put a lot more snippets of my thoughts into the conversation.

Most of the time I would spend three quarters of the time listening and making sure what I said was short and to the point. Despite all of this I was still not feeling popular. It only worked in places that were quiet and where it was conducive for talking. The best times were on holidays when people were able to sit until well beyond midnight unburdening their sorrows. Once I could hook them, I could keep the conversation going for unbelievable lengths of time. This was not too difficult. I overheard some of their friends the next day saying, “that was who you were talking to all night.” I had been in queues and talk for hours with some fine specimens that ordinarily you might not get the chance to engage with. I soon discovered the art of moving the conversation on in a different direction, well before any boredom set in. Changing tack using clues from body language and signs written on their faces. A long wait could be metamorphosed into a damn good time.

I don’t think that many people want to be the most popular person about, but most want a degree of acceptance. Not everyone has the good fortune of having a good set of friends to share moments with. It must be frustrating to not have inclusion like the rest do. We may need to adjust some of our ways if we want to fit in and get along with others better.

Dividing my time across too many people became an issue. I would know a little about a lot of people. That can be useful for sure in some respects, but it has a downside. You never get to feel fully included. Being a fully paid-up member of a group makes you a part of something. I needed to devote my attention to one bunch rather than consume time with lots and lots of people. It takes a long time to bond and be accepted into a group as we are naturally cliquey. It is so much hard work getting in and all too easy to slip out. I only blame myself as so many sets of people have been rather accommodating.

When we meet new people, we feel a bit of an outsider for quite some time. This is normal. It takes a while before you will be accepted and be privy to all the inner goings on. A natural process of cemented members being sniffy at first and then gradual hatching of membership takes place. It may be a case of persistence, being in the regular company of the clique, or something triggers inclusion. A certain event can allow us to be acknowledged. It is not just trust that forms a barrier as making space for someone new alters the status quo. There are many barriers in groups, and we like to think of ourselves as more open than we really are. Deep down we are loath to let our guard down completely and let new entrants shine too much too quickly.