Laura

Laura

Life rolls along, all fine, no real problems, things are rather good in fact. Yes, there can be the occasional wish for more but there is nothing unusual about that. Then something is building, and I am suddenly hit by this tumultuous sense of panic. I realise I should act. Before it is too late. A grenade has been set off. Laura’s presence has an affect that effects deep through the physical into my soul. A sincere desire. I see before me a rose pearl, a soft but resilient jewel that I want to hug and squeeze for eternity. It is mayhem for my self-control. Everything is turned upside down. Philosophical propositions are being re-examined. Aside from that, these emotions are real and meaningful. So much so that I can barely function. The feelings are relentless and persistent. Laura is an opportunity like no other. Despite trying to come to my senses, the facts are clear. This particular person can make me feel more alive than ever before. I have been infatuated with plenty of people before, but this is so much more powerful. I stop, I recheck. I keep asking myself why is Laura so different? Thinking about Laura leads to a stride forward in the inner beauty vs justifying shallow attraction to attractive people problem. This has been bugging for a while.

It didn’t take me long to notice Laura, she has a perfect frame, nice height and an attractive face that is not too ostentatious. This draws me towards her. Laura can handle herself, that is for sure. Anyone trying standard needy questions gets little more than yes/no answers. She doesn’t make it easy. One feels like being down a coal mine with no headlamp and a toothpick trying to find a vein of soft rock. I have plenty of resolve. If one thing doesn’t cut it, I’ll try something else until she begins to talk in undulating tones of bliss. Educated, astute mixed with less serious exchanges. Pure delight. During a quiet spot watching the dancers I laughed a little at what seems like two invalids trying to escape the wrath of a plastic bag. She chortles, “what are you laughing at?” and then we talk in tune.

Each weekly dalliance with her helps me build a picture. Laura is a masterpiece of engineering, with a finely honed personality and an internal beauty of sublime proportions. She certainly has eaten well and made the effort to exercise. This requires conscientiousness, restraint, determination, moderation and much more. All of which comes from within. She interlaces my personal preferences with an uncanny unbelievability. Here is someone I can dance with, talk with on many levels, do and do with, not just sit down and leave the action to others. It doesn’t end there. Not at all. A tear was shed inside me when Laura meekly told me about the application she made for a job at a premier school. She didn’t think she would get it but get it she did. Positive pessimism with panache.

Five seconds, one small incident and I find out something special. An arrogant opportunist chancer walks in just as she was heading out and dived on her for a kiss. Laura handled this with aplomb. Arm up immediately in defence and head ducking out of the way. He still got her. I have showed restraint in many ways and believe me this is hard. Some however spot those that are isolated and take advantage. On the surface it is sympathy, empathy, and care but they are pests. These rule breakers do make headway and frustrate the rest. I dearly hope I am not a hypocrite.

I like physical contact. A lot. Dancing provides that. Grappling with an other. It is not a sexual thing, but there is the dance orgasm - feeling it. It washes in when you least expect it with people that you least expect. Aside from that, having Laura in my arms is something to appreciate. It is a privilege that I need to remind myself of regularly and not take blithely. Laura offers the chance to fulfil a longstanding longing, namely, to develop our own moves. I sketched out a move that goes into reverse midway allowing her to lead it symmetrically back to the start. We would swap lead and follow. We may even end up vying for the lead. High hopes. Nevertheless, it isn’t just on the dance floor that I want us to be in competition and cooperation. I want a relationship of equals. People are more equal than others and some think they can dance to the music, they can’t. People think they have learnt enough to be considered a dancer, they haven’t. They barely consider flourishes, smooches, style and as for syncopating, no.

Certain actions are reserved for certain people. Laura, Laura, Laura my thumbs would encode via gentle taps on her knuckles and soft ply above. Week after week for months on end. No reaction. Nothing. Maybe she was truly focused on the teacher and what to do in this dance lesson. Or like a bluffer in a poker game was keeping a blank face.

Another reserved item was a simple jig, linking arm in arm, turning around a few times. This is not a move usually found in Jive but something I have done a few times here and many times elsewhere. Laura however was markedly different. Uniquely so. I initiated it, but she upped the pace to a ridiculous level, spinning insanely with a joyous glee on her face. Maybe she has a mischievous streak or maybe she liked to spin to crazy excess. Dangerous but trust must have been there.

Smile girl smile. Not for me. If I smile at her, I get nothing back. If I tell her to smile there is reluctance. One week I declared that I am not moving until she smiled. What I got was a comical gurning grin which made me laugh. I won’t ask again.

Most followers will look at you. Not Laura. She would have her head at a quarter turn right and a quarter down, until a brief look at me before commencing the move in hand. Maybe a staring competition will alter things? Although she ‘passed the test’ on this, this will be another thing to cast aside.

Frustration and the feeling of being virtually invisible pervades the hall each week. I want this to change. I need to find a way of getting on Laura’s radar. Ultimately, I want to throw all the fishing gear aside, but beforehand I need to use it to see if I can get her to show that I count. So, I am going to use the power of curiosity, consciously. I will tell her about a small revelation that I had recently but not explain it fully. She is likely to pass along the line to me twice tonight. I will use the first micro-dance together to load the bait, drop the hook and see. The result was remarkable. She instantly came at me the second time around wanting to know more about this little revelation. Success. Joy. Something to cherish. Now I was set to ‘ask the question’. I had a card, a romance day card written with some ambiguity that could be passed off if needed as something akin to a birthday card. What I needed to do now was to present it and wait for the response.

The shoelace trick wasn’t planned but played out well. It just so happened that I was surrounded by five women and had managed to get one of them to tie my laces up for me. This is useful in belief bias. As I looked up Laura was laughing a little at this. A lonely soul is rarely as appealing as one that seems to be getting plenty of attention. We really do care what others think. If others think highly of you, your muse will too. Remember though, tricks can backfire. Badly.

It is quite a thing having absolute total confidence in approaching people, any person, no matter how voluptuous then becoming unfeasibly nervous when in dating mode. Anyway, I gave the card to her on the second pass. The next segment started and one by one the followers peeled off. Now I am going to get an answer. What I ended up with was confusion and uncertainty. She gave me two signals. I need three. Thumbs. She used her thumbs on my hand, as I had previously to her - but more wholeheartedly. However, it could mean, thanks, thanks but no thanks, or anything. Was it subconscious or delivered with meaning? At least it was clear that there was no awkwardness. Far from it.

Now things take an ugly turn. She left quite quickly, and I did not chase after her. Three signals and I would have. It has gone from hopeless to hope back to dismal hopelessness. She is no longer turning up. No more dalliance, no more opportunity to ask her out on a date. Nothing, all gone. Curiosity plays havoc with your head. Is she ill? Is she caught up in the flooding? Is she avoiding me? – that would be awful. Really bad as I would despise myself if she no longer wanted to come dancing there. I recount what had happened. She was in excellent spirits. However, I know there is a major problem. It is what is commonly referred to as the age gap problem. Not an issue for me of course, or so I believe. That is not the only problem. I know that.

Dwelling on the vaguely possible ups, but most likely the potential disconsolate feelings that are to come for one week is hard, three is giving me an insight into less fortunate souls on this planet. Innocent prisoners locked up, those searching for loved ones that have gone missing, those in bereavement with no closure and so on. I can cling on to the fact that she has not actually said ‘no thanks’ yet. I had made a move, not making one would be really depressing. If I had left it too late, I would be mired in self-pity forever.

I look out of the window of this wonderful building I own. The fields, the trees, the gardens, cars, and machinery. The solid static stuff. Tonnes of stuff, much of it valuable. What I crave is an interactive creature that is small on the scale of what sits around me. To highlight the absurdity of life, all I need to do is move some neurons in Laura’s head. I need to occupy enough space, shift enough links to do what it says in the chapter choice, make one side outweigh the other in my favour. To have any chance of that I need to set my stall out with someone that is not even contactable. I say life is a series of problems. Can I track her down in a manner that avoids making me seem like a stalker? Can I finally persuade her to take the first induction? I can be persuasive for sure, but this is a very hard sell. This is not a challenge for the sake of a challenge, the upsides are genuine. What I feel I can offer are significant. I would resolve by practical means to ensure that all pledges are followed through.

Innocuous tales of woe like this are playing out around the world all the time. At some point defeat is accepted and we say adios, goodbye and good luck. We say it with sour grapes. We want the best for them really, but bitterness pervades. In my case, how much of a challenge will it be for you to secure a partner that will foster an environment for you to bloom, Laura? Maybe I should donate some thick gloves as it is not going to be like finding a needle in a haystack, but a needle in a thicket of stinging nettles, thorns, and slime. She will merge her life with someone, and will wake up with this bedfellow shortly after the honeymoon period ends and say to herself “is this it?”

Look, from someone who wrote the chapter fair, it is simple; I fancy Laura and Laura doesn’t fancy me. I am not bitter or spiteful. I want the reward that she won’t give me. I want to be co-considerationally selfish with Laura. I want to give her lots, for my enjoyment too.

I have a bankable reverence detector; I am sure many of you do too. Not long before this debacle I noted the way someone spoke about their husband. It was in fact the only time I recall him even being mentioned. Clearly, he was not held high in their esteem. Six months later they split up. Laura mentioned her father a couple of times. Here though there was noticeable reverence. Maybe I could make a wild stab in the dark and suggest that she is a ‘daddy’s girl’. That is nice to see for sure. Disapproval springs to mind, disapproval from someone that she would want approval from irrespective of her adultness. The consternation and concern reserved for a number, an age difference, is so stark compared to a height difference that stands out or any number of destructive features of a person.

In a delusional state we fabricate a reason to be believed. I state with confidence that I differ from the others that have tried it on with Laura. I declare that I will embrace her. Embrace who she is. To put it simply I don’t want to change her in any way. People may make similar declarations but end up being possessive, controlling and sometimes abusive. Laura will not by diminished by me. I know she has managed just fine so far. In Laura’s case you could say there is a want rather than a need for someone. Laura is not single because there is something wrong with her. Not at all. There is nothing amiss with Laura. Having said that I was gobsmacked by something she did say. Twice. In the spirit of privacy, I need not go into detail. Nevertheless, the dates are the problem. It goes beyond being able to deal with her, to handle someone like her. You may think it is a matter of learning the craft and having the craftiness to succeed, but it is the respect that is hard to muster.

So, what did I learn? They say you have to love yourself first. Thus, this confirms the idea of looking after yourself is vital, it comes from our inner beauty. It is what attracts us to one another. The fantasy was enjoyable, while it lasted, despite the agony. Waking up crying at four in the morning is not going to happen again any time soon. Laura is special to me. Her ordinariness a plus. That coupling of astuteness, capable, competency with abundant femininity is not found in many potential suitors. I even began to believe in fate for a bit. We do see what we want to see and if we get carried away with it, it is punishing. The ‘nothing matters’ chapter became extremely poignant. For a month or two I cared for nothing aside from my own circumstance. What did I gain from seeing Laura as a rarity? Despair. In every relationship there are compromises and compromise I must. I will have to trade things that I want for things that are superfluous. Someone may offer to be a housewife when I want a teacher, a teacher with a section of life that is hers. I don’t want Laura to wash my clothes, feed me or do any domestic duties. I will trade those for doing a multitude of fun things.

Thinking about your relationship, do you have real interest in each other’s passions? You certainly don’t need to have the same level of enthusiasm as them. However, are you scoffing, rolling your eyes or worst of all interrupting them to get them off their favourite subject. I have seen some people completely fail to see why their partner is so obsessed with something yet secretly save up and pay for a trip abroad to visit a holy grail together. How different. Have you simply found someone that likes you too? Or makes it seems so and that is enough? Are they yours now - therefore doing what is sufficient to keep the pretence of love rolling on? Are you too entrenched? Is it pragmatism?

One thing I know for sure is that a partner has to want you about in the same way people around a table will shuffle up or even rearrange the furniture, willingly if they want you there. If they don’t, the table radiates a cold blow of unwelcome wind. I need to entice Laura, never pushing or pulling. I will also need to be wooing Laura forever - a marriage is a stage not an end goal.

From the outset I was already sure beyond any measure that the idea of me and Laura getting together was plainly absurd. Even in the soberest sensible state it doesn’t help having faith that we could in theory have it all. I would insist that her career continues with me doing the day care for any child that enters the scene. I have no illusions, nothing I can offer makes any difference. The irony too, that were I a good deal younger I would not have had the tenacity nor the temerity to ask her out.

The memory of her intense dazzling aura will linger. If only. She is one of the few select individuals that I forgot to make a bit of fun of. She has turned me down for dinner and dance, twice. She has a piano that she never uses; thus, “I know why you don’t play that piano, because the only thing you are good at playing, is playing hard to get”. It would be a while before I had the chance to make that jibe. Events precluded that. One highlight of Laura’s being is those facial expressions. She nodded and gushed enthusiastically at the mention of how good a certain restaurant was. Her face rapidly shifted to shock then disgust when I suggested we go there. I laughed inside about this and pretended that I accepted her letting me down gently ruse. Same result half hour later when I asked her if I could join her on a hill climb. We parted. I didn’t tell Laura that I loved her.