Courting and the dating game

Courting

The dating game is played out moving one square at a time. There are very few shortcuts. Chemistry needs time to enact, irrespective of any charming catalysts. Compliments can work wonders as enzymes of new beginnings. Being able to listen well puts some at a great advantage. What about those that lack instant appeal or are non-conforming? No amount of wealth or wisdom encourages people to stop giving them a wide berth. Other tactics need to be deployed to break down the barrier and expose their heart. Attractive people get more attention in most arenas. All of it in places where there is loud music and big crowds. Lots find themselves becoming less fussy as they age. They are not put off by relatively small imperfections as they were in their formative years. We work out what is important and what is less so.

The game of snakes and ladders entails throwing dice and moving from the start square to the end square. Along the way you may get lucky and land upon a ladder helpfully moving you forward some distance. Aside from ladders there are snakes which take you back many squares. In the game of love you will encounter snakes, lots of them, far more snakes than ladders. To begin the game, you place your piece on the board - simply say hello to your prospective date. From there you must engage in the best way you can. Try you must, to hold a conversation.

Requesting a date is one more step, a big step that we need to muster the courage, skill and nerve for. Confidently or shyly, we summon the nerve to ask our victim for contact details or if we can arrange a meeting sometime soon. And then we get rejected. Fear of rejection is very real. From butterfly twinges to extremely raised levels of anxiety that blow opportunities into the wind. People psych themselves up at home. Determined to break through the fear, they venture out and approach a target. It seemed so easy in our imagination to approach someone, but the reality is so different. Despite the courage we thought we had mustered, we back out at the last second. We have this philosophical notion in our mind that there is nothing to lose yet it can get harder and harder for some to overcome the fear of rejection and fear of embarrassment. To overcome any fears, we must face them head on, over and over, a little step at a time. Eventually we can transform ourselves into an un-embarrassable being.

If you stumble your words or say something daft, panic not, make a joke out of it. Continue after a mistake as though all is normal, nothing amiss. The finesse: stare into the eyes to show seriousness and mix in a downward all over body stare to flirt.

We might not want to trouble someone. Some of us will not want to be bothered but most are happy to speak to people so long as they take the hint if we want them to move away. It is a balancing act. On the one hand most people are willing to talk to anyone irrespective of whether there is prospect of romance in the air. On the other hand, many people don’t learn how to make their excuses and leave someone alone. One conversation is rarely enough. We bond over time. Therefore, some people need some convincing that you are the one for them. Sometimes people are glad that they were worn down by your persistence.

If you want to win, you need to see rejection as a test. You tried and failed. At least you tried. There are people that do not take your fancy. You have no interest in them whatsoever. If there are people that you do not have the slightest bit of interest in, then others will be the same. If there are plenty you would never marry, then that applies to other people too. They, like you will not marry someone that doesn’t meet certain criteria. If you are free to choose, then so are they. You believe you are worthy yet mark others down as unworthy. You do. They do. It is personal, after all it is a potential inter-personal relationship at stake.

Some take rejection as an offence. They retaliate. It moves from wanting to get with someone to wanting to get back at them. Some spew out an insult and move on. But move on you now must as there is no chance of a second attempt. Some have been rejected by the same person many times but got there in the end. Nastiness would have killed any chance of that. Who dwells on those painful memories of rejection once they find a partner?

A smooth dater approaches a target and talks about the mystery and brilliance of the painter of the painting hanging majestically above. What they do not do, is ask, “where are you from?”, “how long have you been here?” or any other question for that matter. Asking questions is needy and dull and tiring. People want to move away quickly from needy, dull, tiring people. Find something to state, say it with enthusiasm and leave the what, why, where, how, who until further into the conversation. Rather than ask “Do you like walking by the river?”, state, “Walking by the river is great, fresh air …. the swirling eddies are nice to watch.” Pause, pause, pause, and see it they take the bite and add something to what you are saying. Statements start free flowing conversations whereas questions create awkwardness. If there is competition put, “If you pick me …” or an equivalent in somewhere.

Women people are like cars, as they get older, they depreciate and require more maintenance. Is a younger person more valuable than an older person? A young person might be thought of as brand new like a car straight out of the factory. The cost of a car is based on quality and performance. Is there some equivalence with people? Some are more attractive, more athletic, fitter, more agile, more capable, more fun, more endearing, more astute, but also more desirable. Desirability depends on who is judging but some will undoubtedly attract far more suitors than others. If we take it to extremes, a person that can’t walk, talk, or feed themselves offers a different marriage proposition to a finely honed, intellectually sound, amiable, wonder-lust. There are grades of mate. There are also quite a few compromises, no perfection. Attractiveness has its pros and cons. There is a lot to be said for finding someone that you and only you find attractive.

You meet someone. You like them. You both get on well together. All is good until you get feedback from your friends and family. The feedback is not good. Some will stick it out, but most will dump. Most need the approval of others. In many cases subconscious signals from others sway you before you get past the first mile marker. Society puts pressure on us providing dissent or affirmation regarding our dating choice. This impacts our confidence we have in our decision to continue or not.

Women will always flock towards the alpha-male in their droves, as they have done since our species came into being. This draw is strong and relentless. It is an instinctive natural desire that stands the test of time. Some men do not need to be kind and caring for any badness is overlooked or ignored. A morsel of fake charm compensates for awful behaviour. Sometimes women learn after a few bad relationships to opt for decency over brawn. This is when they accept that they were over-confident in their ability to fix someone. People have logical, rational reasons for pairing up with someone; he turns heads when he walks in the room. This fact is sufficient. We are animals first and foremost. Hormones, egos, pride, desires, challenges, and bizarre beliefs direct us strongly. Buyer beware. Buying into someone based on their social capital or financial capital may result in a fake and hollow relationship. They may satisfy you in the social scene but behind closed doors there can be emptiness and little love.

Having been rejected by some delightfully attractive, fashionable, popular sorts, you come to your senses and lower your sights. You make approaches to people that are unlikely to reject you. Easier targets should not give you too much trouble. You assumed wrong. They are not easy to pair off with either. There is untold demand for weak, vulnerable, semi-attractive, valent characters. You have looked beyond the acne, the dumpiness, the broken front tooth, the quirks that are not endearing, and still get turned down.

Skins and tissue wrapped around skeletons are drawn to other skins with tissue wrapped around skeletons. Once in close contact the dialogue begins. Here we both learn of what inspires and interests one another. How closely aligned do we think we need to be? We can educate them. We can involve them. We can share experiences. Five people with the same physical qualities can be differentiated, not by their interests but by how much genuine interest they have in what interests you. Are they taking on board what you are saying? Do they care to partake to some degree in your activities? Do they care most about themselves?

Some nations have compiled a file on every citizen in the land. Everything about your behaviour gets written down. Your punctuality, reliability, penchants, tastes, habits, and so forth. By and large, people don’t change much. This information is used against you. In the dating game we have many beginner-psychologists that will scrutinize your behaviour too. They have a list of things to look out for. Do you seem insecure, politically hard-headed, controlling and so on? You will be seen as a piece of useless garbage, fit for no one, if you fall foul of these readings. Thus, to help you avoid being thrown on the waste heap, get acquainted with these lists.

A partner is on the same side as you. Co-operative and only competitive to get the best out of you. No one would be violent, abusive, or threatening if they are on the same side as you.

Is there ‘the one’ – out there somewhere? The short answer is yes indeed. They will share bunches of fixed preferences with you. Both of you are touchy-feely. If that applies. Same passions with each contributing something to your most pleasurable pursuits. Enthralling conversations will continue far beyond the honeymoon period. There is more to your conversations than simply the ones we have getting to know each another. All else will find a resolution.

On balance of probabilities there will be something that halts proceedings. The one for you may already be in a relationship. Or one of you fails to see what is right in front of them. Or a barrier presents itself that is difficult to overcome. Race, religion, age, class, status, and that powerful expectation of the type of person others prefer you to marry.

Before you take the first step in the tumultuous dating journey, get yourself dating ready. Begin with your teeth.

Politicians speak regularly about financial poverty. Far less is said in the public domain about relationship poverty. Being in relationship poverty can lower your life expectancy, lower your life satisfaction levels and destroy one’s sense of self-worth. The stalk of the happiness flower can be made of gold instead of flesh and bones. We are all different. However, our pity we have for those that lack gold differs from the pity we have for those that lack someone to be with.