A planned accident.

A planned accident

“We spent ages looking at all the different pushchairs. Each had different features, some we liked while some had bits that were not necessary. We plumped for one that was in our price range and thought it would be best for our needs. We became unstuck however, a few months later when twins were born.”

On the one hand we have societies that did not make the connection between having sex and producing babies, on the other we like to plan and control our child rearing down to the finest detail. Many are slow to come to terms with the fact that procreation is not something we can fully control. Some try for years to conceive; some never manage at all and there are the many that can't help but breed like rabbits.

Humankind has been known to drown babies without penises and abort for reasons profound and obscure. This is within our control. Mitosis is not so easy to control. If only that sperm a few millimetres away had got in first, you would have been spared the torture of this amazing life. Add in the fact that if your father, for reasons aplenty, did or did not make that romantic gesture that evening, maybe your mother would have been less willing to lay back and position herself for conception that month. Any one of several billion of your brothers or sisters could have been born instead of you. A person may have been planned, but you specifically were not. Maybe in some sci-fi future we could predict the nature of all potential persons, but we would have to go against the certainty of randomness.

We like the idea of settling down and having a certain number of children, but nature gets in the way of that. You can’t plan having children in the same way as you might organise buying a house and furnishing it. There is more accident than planning when having children. Each child will present different challenges and whilst some ideas here have been helpful to many, nothing stops you finding other, better, solutions. Besides, it barely scratches the surface of what comes our way. We don’t have to do everything people suggest to the letter. We are free to improvise and accept that perfection is never attainable when it comes to kids. Some are better than others at making excuses for the outcome.

Our childhood shapes us in so many ways. In good ways and not so good. Therapists helping wayward adults start by looking at problems that began in early life. Your parenting will shape your child’s destiny. Their destiny is in your hands. It is a big responsibility.

The news that you are to have a child does not always bring joy and jubilation. Many are not exactly thrilled by the prospect of having a child. The birth of a child may not bring instant pleasure and satisfaction. For many the maternal/paternal instinct is quite muted and remains so even as the children get older. Biology doesn’t care. If an accident can happen, it will, and there is no need to feel guilty if you are not as enthralled by children as everyone else seems to be. It is hard in some societies to be honest. The fruit from the flower from the tree. You are the one scarifying things, working hard, suffering the stress and worry to ensure the fruit makes it from the flower into something desirable. Then an oik turns up on your doorstep wanting to devour that fruit and reap what you sowed. One way or another it is another that gets the prize. The reveller wins.