The precedence principle

The precedence principle

The precedence principle states that you put yourself first, your partner second and the children third. How do we justify putting ourselves first? What seems selfish at first turns out to be best for all. You give more when in a good state to give. You give more when you are less miserable, less tired and not worn out. Thus, it is always better for your children when you put yourself first.

The percentage of money, time, and space at your disposal would be split roughly 40% yourself, 35% your partner and 25% your children. There is no exact optimum. There will be periods where you go off and do something 100% for you. At other times, you will stop everything to address something for the children. It is only an approximate reasonable average.

Precedence ensures that you yourself are content with your life. Your children will still get a reasonable amount. They won’t be sucking every last drop of what you have from you. Some wonder what they could have done were it not for the bane of having children. That is not the case if precedence is fairly applied.

Holidays and days out are chosen sometimes to appease the children and sometimes to fulfil the adults. If they complain, so be it. If they whinge about not getting the latest playthings that all their friends have, then so be it. Adults want their own playthings too and resources are limited. When children turn into self-sustaining entities themselves, they can buy whatever they want. They will have years and years to choose how they spend their time.

Sending the children to bed early gives you some quiet time. Knowing that you will get some quiet time makes you much more tolerant of the noise and bustle when the children are around. Parents that are fulfilled end up being better parents. On the occasions where a child does require extra support, you should be in a good frame of mind to provide it. Balance and flexibility come to the fore. Whilst the emphasis is on you rather than your children, it doesn’t mean you can neglect them. You come first, but not always, that is not precedence, that is unwholesome. One can allocate time for all. Nights for things for you – just you. Nights out with your partner and nights with all the family together. If you succumb to guilt when going out without your children in tow you become glum and unhappy. There is no benefit gleaned from unhappy parents. A happy home takes precedence to heart, and all get a share.

Some look forward to the day they retire from their job. Plans are drawn up to explore the world. The day arrives along with a letter from the hospital confirming a terminal illness. These stories are commonplace. Did we get our priorities right? Did we skew things too much in our children’s favour? We left it too late, and precedence was not enacted for the benefit of everyone.

When we take a break away, we get time to reflect and think about our lives. We come up with some grand gestures, big changes that show how much we appreciate out family. We consider doing things differently. These commitments fade quickly. It is never long before normal service resumes. We can change little things to improve our home life that are sustainable. Simple pledges. Maybe we stop cooking three separate meals and all sit around the table every day for dinner, banning any distractions too whilst eating. Setting aside one afternoon each week to do something rather than attempting a resolution that isn’t keep-able.