The precedence principle

The precedence principle

Do your children want to see you miserable, tired, and worn out all the while? You give more when in a good state to give. Thus, the precedence principle states that you put yourself first followed by your partner then the children. How do we justify putting ourselves first? What seems selfish at first turns out to be best for all.

The percentage of money, time, and space at your disposal would be split roughly 40% yourself, 35% your partner and 25% your children. There is no exact optimum. There will be periods where you go off and do something 100% for you. At other times, you will stop everything to address something for the children. It is only an approximate reasonable average.

Precedence ensures that you yourself are content with your life. It sets out the potential to maintain a good relationship and the children still get a fair bit without sucking every last drop of what you have from you. There will be less thinking about all the things I could have done were it not for the bane of having children.

Holidays and days out are chosen sometimes to appease the children and sometimes to fulfil the adults. If they complain, so be it. If they whinge about not getting the latest plaything that all their friends have, then so be it. Adults want their own playthings too and resources are limited. When children turn into self-sustaining entities themselves, they can buy whatever they want. They will have years and years to choose how they spend their time.

People send children to bed early so that they can have some quiet time. The idea is that if you have you own quality time, you increase the likelihood of having quality time with the children also. It only works if you maintain flexibility and commitment. Too much emphasis on you or your partner, neglecting the children is not precedence it is unwholesome. Selfishness is a two-part system. We feel good in ourselves when we give. We feel good doing things purely for ourselves. The vital aspect about selfishness is that we need to look after ourselves in order to give.

In practice, you will be doing many of the things that you want to do in the areas of work and leisure, which ought to provide a satisfactory level of fulfilment. On the occasions where a child does require extra support you will be in a better frame of mind to provide it.

The flexibility comes out when we bend at times to cater for things that pop up. The commitment could be setting aside one or two nights a week to do an activity on our own and another with our spouse. In that scenario, it still leaves a good few nights where we put the focus on the children. There can be guilt and pressure to spend every night in. We may be doing what we think is right, but if it makes us glum who benefits? A happy home where your children can thrive and feel more comfortable is one where all are getting a share.

Some look forward to the day they retire from their job. Plans are drawn up to explore the world. The day arrives along with a letter from the hospital confirming a terminal illness. These stories are commonplace. We are tied down with responsibilities, yet once we sit down and reprioritise, we find that we are not as constrained as we make out.

When we take a break away to reflect. We want to return and make some grand gestures. We say we want to appreciate our children more and will change our ways. All those commitments fade quickly. It is never long before normal service resumes. We can change little things to improve our home life that are sustainable simple pledges. Maybe we decide to stop cooking three separate meals and all sit around the table every day for dinner, banning any distractions too whilst eating. Setting aside one afternoon each week to do something rather than attempting a resolution that isn’t keep-able.