Happiness

In the survival game, protection is the number one priority, followed by shelter, water, and food. Prioritising food and drink may seem sensible until a marauding bear decides to give you a fright or an army of ants begin to dismantle your shelter and leave you with ten thousand itchy bites. We all value protection. Supremely wealthy moguls fear being kidnapped. The homeless fear someone setting fire to their alcoholic breath or beating them up for a perverse few minutes of entertainment. Having somewhere safe to spend the night is high up on everyone’s list of important things to sort out. After protection, the second crucial consideration for your hideout is whether it provides shelter from the wind and rain. Once that is resolved you can think about something to stop your tummy rumbling. What prey has this got to do with happiness one may wonder? Well, happiness starts with the basics in life. Once they are in place, we consider a range of things that we, as individuals, want.

A flower embodies happiness. The need to be rooted. The potential to bloom. It is made of many parts. It can be incomplete - missing a petal or two. It gives to nectar others. It makes itself seen by radiating beauty. Flowers are fragile. Unfortunate events can crush our happiness flower. Flowers are all different. A simple life for some. A richly vibrant life for others.

happiness

Hours and hours can be whiled away discussing the complex subject of happiness, presumptions are made, myths are banded about. In some corners of the globe, the winters are harsh. The days are short, the nights are long. We might assume that the suicide rate is rather high in these places or that people have a greater degree of depression than those in warmer climes. That is not the case. People live happily there despite the hardship, despite the cold. The weather is a petal, not the whole flower.

Little things can lift our mood. Bugbears can lower it. Our present mood may not always affect how we feel in general, but I defy anyone who can wait around in the freezing cold for a non-existent bus and not feel miserable. There is a gulf of difference between going home to sit in a comfy chair next to a log fire rather than returning to a cold damp swine box of a room. Noises outside that make you glad of being tucked up instead of noises outside that are aggravating and induce fear and worry. Not too hot, not too cold, and away from threats can make us happy in the moment.

Roses have thorns, happiness has exceptions. No matter what line of thought you try, there is always at least one person that throws up something that puts a spanner in the works. Not everyone needs vast wealth, not everyone needs a partner to stave off loneliness, not everyone cares about how they look or how large or skinny they are. Not everyone needs to be successful, not everyone needs a permanent home. Plus, what makes one person happy is another’s worst nightmare. You can be happy making do or happy overcoming challenges.

I say we need to be rooted but what about a travelling community. They have roots to their kin and usually travel in groups. Rooted to one another. But a true drifter can wander from one place to the next, never dwelling long enough to bind to the soil. Thus, maybe it all depends on what type of plant we are. Some need to settle, others can harvest what they need floating along like algae. In every aspect of happiness, you are likely to encounter those that smash your beliefs, challenging what you hold to be true. Those facing eviction feel that losing their home would be their worst nightmare, but others shrug it off as a minor inconvenience and an opportunity to explore elsewhere. Some, not many, select homelessness for its freedom.

The stalk of the happiness flower represents the thing that supports you; usually your spouse/partner. The head represents the most important thing to us, namely our health. We try and assemble as many petals as we can, children, a good job, fun hobbies, enthralling activities, friends and so on. Once content with our petals, we may start looking for more advanced forms of joy. We may seek enlightenment. Some have nectar to spare so they give generously to others. They will philanthropise and enjoy giving to others. When our health deteriorates, petals fall off. As each petal falls off, it is one more thing that we can no longer do. Our children can leave the family home and leave a gap in our flower petal arrangement. However, it leaves a gap in which you can now fill with something else. Sometimes. Some gaps are difficult to fill.

You may want to experience fine dining and preen at ‘glamourous’ events. Whereas others are content with a film to watch, a pie in the oven and a pack of beers in the fridge. What is more common to all is summed up in the most apt saying of all; variety is the spice of life. We find change when we go on holiday for a break. It is nice to go away and nice to return home too. To get out of a stuffy room and get some fresh air. To go from hungry to full. When tired, get some good sleep and wake refreshed. To read for a bit, then go for a walk and explore. Meeting up with decent folk and chatting animatedly followed by a musical rave. Change can be had from going out somewhere just for the sake of it. At the very least it gives us something to talk about.

Variety can be found in many areas of our life. We can change what we wear or decide upon a new pastime, something fresh something new. Even a new sauce on our chips adds to the joy. It is rare to find happiness in doing the exact same thing over and over for extended periods. Having said that, there are some things that we do do frequently that we do not get bored by. You may have an exercise regime where you can see some progress. It can be the same activity but aspects of it differ. Maybe the scenery changes, or the people, or we challenge ourselves more. People criticise those that do the same thing over and over yet live a life full of repetition themselves. If something is good, why on earth would you not want to do it again and again.

There can be a never-ending search for more and that is usually good. Contentment comes from the search and the seeking and the plotting and the planning. Static stasis is not conducive with happiness. Hoping for more is.

We can be busy, busy, busy, or just sufficiently occupied with time spare to deviate at will. A schedule that marks out days rather than blots the landscape. Lots find themselves with too much to read, examine and digest, maybe feeling obliged to respond to heaps of it as well. Information overload can be a burden with pressure to keep up with what is supposed to be a fun and pleasurable interaction. We are sold an illusion. How much do we really need to keep abreast of? Does your cat care? Does your dog or the woodpecker give a damn? You may feel that keeping abreast with everything is essential. Once you realise that vital it isn’t, you see that you were not missing out on much at all and only wish you came to that conclusion earlier.

Try idling away an hour or two, just lie back and watch the landscape. Allow yourself time to think and ratify your thoughts - free from anything distracting. However, sitting at home day after day bludgeons the soul and scrapes away at our morale. The ratio matters, the ratio of time alone and time with others.

I and many others find it hard to get to sleep when we know we have to get up early. I engineer my day ahead to avoid early departures. I gained the freedom to get up when I want. Freedom and happiness can be intertwined.

Some people take great pleasure in telling us how content they are with their small weekly wage. Many have given up well paid jobs to create more freedom in their lives and never looked back. Good for them. Our situations vary though. They vary a lot. There is no simple formula for inciting happiness in everyone’s current position. Some of us have responsibilities placed on them. Not all by choice. Some have children to look after plus older parents that want daily assistance too. People find themselves stuck in the middle, longing for a permanent respite from all their obligations. Many discover that when their children do finally leave home, a void appears. A feeling of purpose, a reason for being, is linked to happiness.

Can we make changes in our lives to bring about as much happiness as possible? It is possible. You may hunt down a soulmate, someone who you are predominantly at ease with. Someone with warts in their character that are excusable. That soulmate; the stalk of the flower. That which raises your life off the floor into the fray. Having a side kick makes an incredible difference. Sometimes a difference that takes too many words to describe. Blooming marvellous bliss, my partner in crime. Mine. One that listens. One that takes an interest in what I am doing. One that joins in. One that helps. One that I can invest in. One that looks me in the eye with acceptance. Solitary flowers can be happy. Some are lonely in a relationship or lonely in love with someone that wants them not. Whatever the case, celibacy is not hereditary. Celibacy may be peaceful, but it is also likely to be dry and sombre.

The thing that holds you back is a powerful invisible spider’s web, trapping you, making you anxious and nervous and cautious and unnecessarily afraid. The more times you push through that damn web, the less anxious you will be. What is the worst that can truly happen. Maybe you won’t bust your bank account, nor your reputation. Maybe the embarrassment will be less than expected. Maybe you will be seen as more human. Are your intentions good? If so, then push through the web.

Live. Use your legs, your mouth and all the things that still work and be. Be something, be someone. We all count.

Any discourse, discussion, debate, and general interaction with others tends to be very uplifting. No more needs to be said. Talk, listen, talk your way to a better mood and eventually more happiness.

Some say that we ought to identify little joys and make sure they are inserted into our days. The accumulative effect of all these small pleasures can be good. We can be instructed by the wise to be grateful for what we have. That word, grateful, is mentioned frequently in therapy. We can indeed find many a thing to be grateful for. We can still yearn for more though. For that, another word is relevant. Persistence. To get what we yearn for, one must keep trying.

We can feel good about ourselves when we do something to a high standard rather than leaving after bodging a job. If you’re happy I’m happy. No nagging spouse, no griping child, no disaffected complaining customers.

A quick glance in the mirror can let us reflect on the yearning for the looks of youth. Do we feel that the increase in our stature is a fine compensation for all those wrinkles?

It all seems so different when in constant debilitating pain, debt, or grief.

Many people will have little to complain about, they have the basics in place; a nice home, a reasonable income, and a family all in good health. These fortunate souls start seeking something more - higher forms of fulfilment. They may wish to bolster their self-esteem, toy with charity work, or seek what they regard as some form of spiritual enlightenment.

The mature ones have in their own way and to their own extent, explored their world and found what fits their preferred lifestyle. Change can be subtle. Rather than grand adventures, a new flavour tea or a new handcraft to while away the time. Less impulsive randomness, but nevertheless plenty of variation. Some can become reticent to any changes in their locality. They become accustomed to the way things are and prefer it to remain so. Younger people can find a passion to see things advance. They latch on to a cause with great enthusiasm and aren’t sobered by the realisation that it takes time to change peoples’ mindset. Change happens at a glacial pace. The eagerness can be a help, but few stop to think about whether they are going about it in the right way.

Problems with people can fester. We shy away from arguments believing that they are best avoided but arguments usually lead to something better. If there is bad air in your home, do you locate the source of the offending odorous gunk or leave the house and hope it will simply vanish? Running away doesn’t fix things. So long as the arguments are not all day every day, we need not fear causing some occasional upset. You will get along better with people when you are prepared to debate, discuss, and argue with them.

Happiness may need an occasional jolt. A reminder of what is most important. Perhaps a visit to someone with a large house all nicely furnished. Plenty of fashionable trimmings inside and out. Then the bitter pill to swallow; they lost an only child in a road accident. The things around them are just material. The life the child did have was superb. However, no distraction stops them thinking about what happened and how it could have been avoided. If only. These thoughts linger. Do they need help to move on? They have nothing much to move on to.

Having a problem free life may sound appealing but a problem free life can be a problem in itself. Having something to address, something to fix can be a part of the reason we want to live. People get a lot from finding a way through all sorts of problems. We revel in finding solutions, making other people’s lives easier. When you make other people happier, you feel happier too.

Our mind can seem awry. We jump at the chance to take some pills or gabber with a therapist every Tuesday afternoon for weeks on end. A minority can be afflicted with a tiredness that clouds the whole of the waking day. No matter what change in diet or change in behaviour, the debilitating effect is not alleviated. Changing a few thoughts can be miraculous for some, but not in all cases. You may just have to get used to your wild mood swings and come to a realisation that we are all different. We were never meant to be like what everyone else appears to be. Note. Appears to be.

Are you trying to prove your worth? Are you trying to justify your existence? Do you need to demonstrate that the world needs you? The world needs nobody, nobody in particular, just enough fine people to keep things in order.

There is one common trigger for causing a spell of feeling down. It is when people ignore you or fail to grasp your point of view. You try and present logical sensible reasoning, but despite that, certain people refuse to listen. They seem to know best. They jump to the wrong conclusions about what you are saying. They are dismissive. Is there a solution to that wave of fed-up-ness that comes over you when this happens? You may need to ask; is this the sole person that needs to be convinced? It might be worth rechecking what you have to say anyway. Sometimes we present our case and leave it be or wait a while and try another tack. You will encounter the utter arrogant that will never be swayed. Is progress being made elsewhere? It is grim waiting to get your voice heard, if not by a jury but by someone that is willing to listen and take notice. Is there something else you can do in the meantime?

Are you bored of life, semi-depressed but not suicidal? Fed up. Life seems to be going nowhere. Same, same, same. Maybe things are too easy for you. Think of a very hard challenge. Something very difficult, but just about possible. Go do it. Plan, scheme. Find a route, Do it.

Are you drawn to miserable, or someone with a smile on their face? Smiling is contagious. Smile and people will smile back at you. If they don’t then you can at least gauge something. Few of us can say hello in 200 languages but smiling crosses all boundaries. It is nice to avoid telling people what they should do but I like reminding people of how great smiling is. I found that it pays to try and try again with people that are down. Unfortunately, there are times where ultimately the only way forward is to give them some space. Hopefully, they will change when they realise that their negative and pessimistic views on life are driving others away. It is difficult, as we end up in a vicious circle. We come across as miserable and people avoid us which adds to our misery. We have to put on a show and fake it until we make it through. That is just the way it is.