Tactics

Me the judge and jury

Emblazoned upon his back in the small town on the small island named Curaçao were the words, “Don’t judge me”. I never had the gall to ask him about it. Perhaps he has suffered what I have, what most of us have. Judgement, those judgements made without bothering to find out enough to make such judgements. We may need to decide quickly whether someone is friend or foe. For this we use visible cues and make judgments using innate evolutionary skills. These aid our survival. Other judgments aid our ego. I have not met a single soul that hasn’t made erroneous judgments about others. I have not met a single soul that has not made more erroneous judgements than valid ones. I dare you to ask more before you criticize, before you condemn, before you utter words full of sardonicism.

Judgements are one of the many bad things we do. We are all bad. We are all selfish, spiteful, and mean to others at times. We assume. We judge without much thought and moralise. We might believe our moralising is correct and for the greater good. If we put more thought into it, if we asked more questions, we may get to see the full picture and make much better judgements. This brings together the ideas contained in the section Choice. Namely the bigger the fretwork on one side of the argument the more chance a decision falls that way. The more information you have, the better the decision will be for all concerned.

When we hear about something for the first time, a new seed is born in our minds. If that something happens to be a complaint, the person making the complaint lies at the heart of the seed. They get first mover advantage. We listen to the complaint and build on the seed. Irrespective of whether the complaint is facile, vexatious or deadly serious, the defendant is disadvantaged by being second in line to tell their side of the story. People are lazy, and that laziness means we make our minds up before we bother to listen to the defendant. The defendant won’t create a new seed, instead, their rebuke, their counter arguments are added to the seed created by the complainant.

New facts can emerge which show that our judgement was not fair and reasonable. The central premise upon which we have built an argument maybe faulty. When we replace the central node, all the links to it need amending too. That means rearranging hundreds of links in our head. That takes effort. Hence, why many choose to ignore new facts. It is easier to leave it all in place and formulate an excuse to keep the links in our mind the way they are.

Countering false accusations is a tough task. Serious accusations need to be countered in a serious fashion. The accuser will hope you disappear, vanish and not be heard of again. To their surprise you do anything but vanish and disappear quietly. You are not afraid. If you have done little wrong, you need not be afraid. Accusers do not permit due process because that allows the truth to emerge. The accuser assumes that a complaint will silence you. The accuser may be more at fault than you. Check the law. Who broke the law? Do your homework first. Most of us will be unfamiliar with legalise, legal procedures and what constitutes an act that breaks the law. However, with a little reading you can counter a false claim. You may not have to go anywhere near a courtroom, as establishing who is right and who is in the wrong will be enough to remedy the situation.

When someone believes a lie, you can simply ask, “Do you really believe that?” Too much time is devoured trying to convince people that you are innocent of feckless accusations. It doesn’t help that cultural norms train us to believe that those of a certain gender are always the ones at fault.

How many of us need to prove ourselves before being taken seriously. Prove ourselves not a danger. Prove ourselves worthy as the rest. Some of us spend an eternity proving ourselves. Others get instant respect. Life is unfair. People make fast judgements, there is no time to make lengthy appraisals of everyone we meet. Our appearance, our physicality, our posture, our display of wealth and success. Our image can cast a shadow of fear, or a ray of belief that we are nice. Not all will judge us by our presentation alone. Some have the generosity and willingness to assume we are an equal until proven otherwise.

Some people stand out. Not because of the way they look, but by the way they look at you. She looked me in the eyes. In fairness, she looked everyone in the eyes, never making some feel unworthy of her gaze. She didn’t show me a great deal of reverence, nor treat me with particularly high regard. What she did was make me feel liked. I was treated fairly by her. Two smiles in one day spoke volumes. One signalled wanting to be there, the other keenly wanting to do it. Generosity. Non-judgmentalism. Devine joy. Valid. Worthy. Not excessive exuberant respect, but simple respect.