Nobody is really that outstanding

The want of approval

Wanting approval from others lasts long after we leave the education system. It can dictate many things from what we wear to how we talk and what we say. We find ourselves wanting a unique identity, but not being too different that we stand out, increasing the likelihood of getting mocked. Nothing beats the feeling of approval from those we like and respect. Our choices feel validated.

We like to be vindicated when we raise ourselves above the parapet and demonstrate something new that nobody else seems to be doing. Other people are unconvinced at first but then begin to acquiesce, taking more heed and copying our lead. How we each follow or try to go against fashion is one measure of our appetite for approval. We have been wearing clothing of some sort since the Stone Age, marking out our tribe and it frames an element of our identity. Fashion emerges out of design that is not just for practicality, but also to develop a style that catches the attention. Every aspect from the things we accessorise to the metal pushed through the skin gradually develops with one person implementing the change. The more people that like it, the more that follow. To make a change you need to convince a few key proactive leaders, the rest can be ignored for they have little impact. In some cases, there will be a critical mass that adopts the new craze creating a tipping point to mass embracement. Some people will object to the widespread uptake of an item and then differentiate themselves with their ‘bit different’ choices. You can’t really win. You just take a stance willingly or by default.

Being a little weird, odd, draws attention but not always approval or acceptance. If you present yourself in a way that goes outside of the cultural norms it becomes harder to fit in. The unwritten rules ignore the fact that someone, somewhere, at some point, set out the so-called accepted fashions that become common place. Most ‘new’ ideas are recycled formulations, innovative but almost never de facto inventive. The scope for adaptation is by and large, fairly limited, maybe an adjustment to the size and scale, cleaner lines with slightly more function. Very little of what people do, say, or make is ever truly original. We just rearrange reorder and recalibrate the things around us like a jigsaw to see what does and doesn’t fit within the range of possibilities. You can assemble them in the box or outside of it, place them upside down or balance them on their edge. You can change the interlocking nobbles and mess with the material, but it still remains nothing more than a minor evolution. Rarely is it something revolutionary. It is commonly a light bulb moment of taking something from one already established field and using it in another.

We may enjoy being admired for some point of difference, something novel and stylish without being stared at for abject unconformity. This leads us on to the difference between official and officious. I never lose sight of the fact that someone somewhere makes up the rules whether through a democratic process or via the golden rule, thee who has the gold makes the rules. When someone says that you can’t do something, it is because a rule has been devised by a person or a panel of board members. You do not have to view it as being set in stone.

To coerce us to comply, officious people are employed then deployed to enforce the decrees of the governing bodies. The aim is to corral us through their turnstiles of control. An objector may need to negotiate with the individual in the highest position of power, those with the most sway to override the officious people below. In most cases there is no real official way, but officious people exerting their will, persuading people that it is the norm and right.

For a lot of people nothing beats the feeling of having a high status whether it is real or imagined. If you wear something the same as that of a well know individual the endorsement provides assurance and affirmation that your selection is good. Anyone advocating one style over another is either wanting to get noticed for their superior choices or is profiting through a sponsor in a great game of collusion and subterfuge for profit. Still, it makes people happy and gives them some confidence. Therefore, who is superior and omniscient with any right to spoil the party.

Societies pressure us to conform, enticing us to blend in. If we break from the norm we get pulled aside and questioned about why we are not doing the same as everyone else. Being a pioneer is challenging. Thus, any differences are outweighed by countless things in common. We become more alike than unique as the gradual corralling erodes our freedom of expression. Pushing out and making a mark for yourself is appealing, nevertheless joining in and being convivial is generally more rewarding than being in isolation.

We care about ourselves always; we care about our standing in the community. Our standing is enhanced by being an impartial voice of reason whilst carefully avoiding being seen as interfering. Trading is often done based on my word is my bond. We carry this same notion to promises and honour, sticking to our word. Our ego is fed through having a good reputation and for following through with our promises.

A sign of the impact someone made in their community can be measured by the numbers of people spilling out into the courtyard at the funeral service. Some may take stock of this and adjust their ways, having a fear of a small crowd attending theirs. There are occasions though where very old people may not have anyone there apart from the minister, not because they were unpopular, but because they outlived all their friends.

The idea of having a funeral before you die is far from original, many have considered the benefits. At the very least you can ensure the right songs are played as well as have an opportunity to say your farewells.

The onset of death can hasten the priorities we make. Many will wish to make a success of something before their parents and loved ones pass away. This desire to show your true colours is to prevent the onset of regret. Unlike other mistakes you can’t do anything in this respect once people are gone. If we missed the chance to prove oneself before they go, we may resort to striving harder in the name of that someone we loved. Whether it is a tribute or a wanting for our parents to be proud of us, it is kind of odd that we can care what someone would think even when they are dead. Do I have to spell it out? It is for you not them.

A near miss, a wakeup call or someone close to us dies and we are stirred into action with a new sense of urgency. Live life to the full. This is all well and good, but during the preoccupation of trying to fit so much in, we lose a lot that is loved in taking things easy. Doing nothing for a whole day can be as productive and balanced as racing around in a perpetual daze. You still get things done and done with relish. Being too busy though comes at a price. It takes away from time to reflect. There is no duty to be mindful of what it is all about. There is no obligation to spend a set amount of time, or any time at all, pondering or pontificating. It is possibly a luxury for those that want to accommodate it.

If you can’t think of anything to think about, perhaps ask yourself “what is enjoyment?” What does it mean deep down at any level? We say, “we are enjoying it”, we say we enjoy sex, a lunch, the times reminiscing and so on but what does it mean and what is the essence of it? Define the feelings, the chemistry of it.