Most people are nice, aren't they?

I have always held the notion that most people are nice, most are pretty decent. There are a few bad apples, but the majority are good. Then things happened which made me became somewhat jaded. This led me to revaluate this notion. If I were to put a number on it, I would have said that 90% are good and 10% not so. Now I am struggling to put a number on it. Maybe it is the other way around. 10% are good and the rest so so. 10% good on the whole but with spiteful tendencies.

One would need to clarify what we mean by nice. What counts, what determines what is nice and what is horrible. To be nice one would; Never be spiteful.

Never say disparaging things about another.

Have positive things to say about people, which gives others hope.

Never bully nor back a bully.

Be the good Samaritan whenever a situation calls for it.

Spiteful relationship wreckers are abundant. They will put someone down. They will provide no positive affirmation about someone's standing. They would rather see the two of you split than encourage you to succeed. They never delve into the details to get a full picture of what happened in times of strife. Every misfortune is an avenue to be exploited for the outsider's personal gain. A wrecker will take advantage of the situation to see where they can benefit from someone's troubles. Many characters will prey on people for casual sex with complete disregard for the damage it does to a long-standing relationship. They act like mosquitos, lurking, waiting and pounce.

The statement, "they will never change" can exemplify disparagement of others. John was dating Joanne. Joanne found John a bit suffocating. John was not giving Joanne enough space and there were those signs of being a bit insecure They agreed to have a timeout. Their 'good friend', Hannah said that John will never change. How does Hannah know that? She doesn't. She has some beef with John and is pleased to see a rift between him and Joanne. Hannah is saying that he won't change so it is best to split. She is telling Joanne that she would be wasting her time hoping that things will improve. People can change. People do change in some ways. Many do not of course, but to sway people by declaring that change is not going to happen is squirting an ounce of evil.

We may have fifty positive things to mention about someone, but instead of bringing those up, we focus on the few negatives. Those that press home the negatives enjoy being spiteful. To climb we must push down and trample those below us. We trample on others to raise our profile above the rest. We are all far from perfect. No matter how hard we try, there are times where we come up short.

Life is a popularity contest. To make ourselves more popular we can stab good people in the back. We throw those already on a downer under the bus. The one thing that hurts the most when being bullied, is how we witness all our friends turn against us. People back the bully. Maybe they feel it is safer. Maybe they relish being one of the included ones. Shun, ostracise, and cast a victim out to bind the group. To be nice you have to avoid that temptation. Not many do.

If you see someone in trouble you stop to help. That is if you are in the nice camp. Lots walk on by. In some ways we can't blame them for helping can get us into trouble.

The name of the game is to pretend to be nice. Make it seem as though you are with token gestures. Only when I look back and think hard about my relationships, all of them, that I realise that not one person has ever said anything positive. Not one person said something that made me, and the 'spouse' feel like we are doing the right thing. "She is too good for you. " "You are interfering with her right of passage. " "It will end in tears" and so on. On the other hand, countless men tried their hardest to get their way, to have affairs, to suggest sexual games could be played after dinner. Nobody at all came to my rescue when I needed it. Nobody took my side. Nobody was inclined to even take an impartial stance. Only a flurry, a tide of abuse and hurtfulness has been forthcoming. I know life is unfair. I didn't expect much else. You chose your partner, but I am not allowed to choose mine. We are not allowed to choose. Spitefulness dictates. Only the popular get niceties. And that is simply to aid those handing out the compliments.

I wrote the book on selfishness, so this examination and its conclusion comes as no surprise. I had always thought people would have my back. I assumed that people would want to help for that internal reward. Most of us feel good when we do good. It is a reward that needs no physical payment. However, that reward competes with other rewards. The reward we get from our personal societal advancement is more powerful.

Having said all of that, I do recognise those that have been good throughout my life. I never forget all the little things that have made a big difference. So much so that I wrote quite a bit about it. I suppose it is the impact spitefulness can have. Your little bit of nastiness has profound long lasting ill consequences. Many lead by example and despite the torrid time, they do their utmost to fight the bad and remain good.