Clever

People have said to me that "you are so clever". However, I don't feel clever. I don't think I am clever. If I were clever, I would not be in this mess. That is for sure.

I got the highest maths grade in my school. That might make one feel quite clever. The first test at university ranked me at 133 out of about 150 people. From top of the class to virtually the bottom. I am under no illusions about the fact that there are lots and lots that are far more capable than me.

I going to ask you this. What is the point of being clever if it doesn't get you what you want? Not what others want and strive for, but you want, personally. What I want eludes me and thus makes me one of the least clever persons around.

I managed to attain a fair bit of wealth. That took perseverance and a fair bit of effort. I had to overcome a good few obstacles in the way. Having piles of cash doesn't make me clever, for things that I yearn for are not obtainable with money. The best things in life are free. Wealth can count against you. Many seek to spend time with those with aspirations and ambition. People that have high hopes and belief that they will be successful are attractive. The reality does not deter. The chance of them making any serious headway with their exploits are probably slim. They do however give off signals of hope. Fraudsters are compelling.

Some find it easy to obtain what I want. An alpha male and the majority of females live in the garden of Eden. They have fruits aplenty to choose from. The fruit is falling off the trees into their laps. Their sole problem is deciding which to pick and which to reject. They can pick, taste and discard at their own leisure. They can use both hands and take a large bundle, checking the sweetness, sometimes biting off more than they can chew. They have innate cleverness. It came to them by the shear good fortune of their birth.

Megan was clever. Most clever indeed. For she could choose exactly how her life is to go. She embarked on the relationship journey quite early, picking up ideas and working out what works best immediately. She has it all. All at her disposal. She has control. She decides. She need not negotiate. I did consider getting her to embrace the idea of negotiation. Rather than assume I need to be happy with whatever she wants. I am to take it on the chin and subserve. She has no need to negotiate. Her way or the highway. I am the fool for believing that negotiating would aid more harmonious relationships. I was not clever enough to see that at the time. She decides everything. I can make requests but am beholden to her wishes. If I want to continue dating her, I have no option but to accept this. It would be nice to talk about things, thrash it out and come to some compromises. No chance. I have zero power. She holds all the keys to any future together.

A clever person uses all the tricks in the book to make it seem as though the other person is in control of everything. It goes beyond biting one's lips and yielding to their every whim. It means burying every ounce of your pride and self-respect. One must bury your pride on the surface. Underneath you are playing the longer game. A clever person makes it appear that they are complicit and obliging. To an outside observer it seems like you are being walked over. Trod on like a useless rung on a ladder. However, so long as you have the capacity to feign weakness, the end result is positive. It is a bit like an undercover reporter, a spy or secret millionaire. You must stay shtum, silent, holding the secret to yourself. One has to resist the temptation to reveal the truth to anyone. No one must know. So many encounters will present themselves where you feel the urge to stand up for yourself. It is hard. It is difficult and thus this game weeds out the clever from the ordinary. To make matters worse this has to be done with the full knowledge that one tiny mistake can make all the effort pointless. One trapdoor or one oversight or one misinterpreted thing you say will terminate your hopes and dreams.

One might assume that people like to see others couple up. We presume that it would gladden the hearts of our friends and family. Sometimes that can be so, but often not.

Your choice of partner meets approval or disapproval. People will express their opinion and would very much like those opinions recognised. If these opinions are not adhered to then trouble starts. Our say so counts tremendously. We have our ego. We are self-serving. We are self-centred selfish beings that live in our own self-important bubble. A bubble that is inflated by proud air. We pump ourselves up. We go to great lengths to keep the bubble intact. An invisible bubble that contains the grandstanding gestures. Psychological warfare ensues. A battle of wills. All to maintain our self-worth. Never for the good of those in the spotlight. Bad advice is handed out. Subtle hints. Direction and forceful words are thrown out to achieve our aims. Bad people prevail. Bad people always win. They have nothing to lose and lots to gain. Win or lose they are not left short. Rather than win something or lose something. The options are win or win nothing. It can be a gamble with the odds stacked in their favour. Imagine playing a game where you pick one of two envelopes. One has a large sum of money in it. The other is empty. It costs nothing to enter the game. You either walk away with nothing or with that large sum of money. People that stake nothing might as well have a go to see if they can win. If they break up your relationship, they win. If they fail, they can simply have another go. On balance of probabilities, they will succeed sooner or later.

For the purpose of this short essay, I will differentiate cleverness and capabilities. We may seem clever if we are capable of doing things to a high standard. We may seem clever if we can accomplish things quickly. Clever people may be those that pass exams and pass tests with flying colours. I say capable people pass exams and get high scores in tests. Clever people pass tests and get awards for things they want to do well in. Why pass an exam in piano playing if you find it boring, tiresome and unrewarding. Why be good at playing the piano if you have no desire to keep playing? Surely a clever person will abandon the piano and pick up a guitar or an air rifle if that is more satisfying.

Megan has far more cleverness than I could ever dream of. She will exploit it to the max. She will succeed in the areas that I wish I could succeed in. She has no need for the things that I have. She has no desire to be the best dancer, the best sportsperson, the greatest novelist, the most widely travelled, the wealthiest in the neighbourhood. She only has desire to get what she identifies as important to her. No matter what skills I acquire, what cash I throw at it, or work I put in, my objectives are not feasible. It is equivalent to wanting to be the fastest runner on earth. What I am after might seem quite mediocre. I am only after a companion that cares. It is hardly earth shattering. It is though beyond my abilities. I am capable in all the wrong areas. I have skills that are useless in this objective. I am not clever enough to get it.

I don't begrudge others at all. I accept that we have limits to what we can achieve. Others could sort this in a day. They attain what I want instantaneously. They, however, have their own desires, their own goals. Some will pooh pooh this wish of mine. They will look at it from their point of view and fail to understand it from my perspective. Hence will do nothing to help. They think I ought to be grateful for small mercies. Upon a lifetime of introspection, after years of study and writing about what drives us and since working out what gives meaning and purpose to me, I know what I want. It is just beyond my reach. It always has been and always will. Worse still, I failed when I had a chance handed to me on a plate. I think that when the want for something is so great, the pressure gets too much. A breaking point is reached, and we err. We destroy what is good through exasperation and desperation. At least I had a taste of the caviar. A taste of what I want. I had a fair crack of the whip. For it to end so brutally, so quickly and so harshly meant that it plays on my mind eternally. I should be thankful. I am to some degree. It would be far worse had I not had the experience.

Chances come once in a lifetime. We don't always realise it at the time. We look back and know what we did right and what we did wrong. It would be great if it helped for the next encounter. However, these are our once in a lifetime chances. So, there is little point learning from a mistake if such opportunities will not come about again. I now know what it is like to be the subject of racism. I now know what it is like to have hope. I understand what others strive for. I can appreciate those that use hope to get them through to their final day. All we can do is fill the time with plenty of distractions to let the grains empty from the sand clock of life in the most comfortable way possible. A partially satisfying life. A nearly ran. A make the best of it, knowing how much better it could have been. Not just a bit better, a world apart. For me, it is not what one does each day, but who with. That makes a profound difference. I make every dance the best I can to show respect to all. Nevertheless, it is never the same. My neighbour would often say that he will do whatever he liked each day. Having the resources to do that has its upsides. Me too. It is not exactly what I cherish doing each day though. I can do as little or as much as I like, but nothing that captivates.

Clever people quickly work out what it is they truly want. If their ideal notion is realistic, they then connive to obtain it. Clever people are true to themselves. Not seemingly true to themselves but actually doing what is best for them. Megan sussed it out quicker than me. She also had the goods. She had the tenacity and professionalism to see it through. Proper happiness came her way. A varied inspiring life. Rewards aplenty. Respect from all. Deep love and meaningful, playful carnal pleasures. Satisfying, gratifying challenges to take on and conquer. And at all times, everything in her control. I see that as living cleverly.