21st Dec 2025

The anxiety is real. The fear is real. For many, no matter what they do it may never go away entirely. That is not a bad thing. We can reduce it though, substantially.

I say it is not a bad thing, for in some ways it keeps us safe. It keeps us alert and it helps us ensure we interact with others in the best way can.

It may help to recognise that not one human being is liked by all. Famous folk have a whole host of people that despise them. They have fans galore, but a good few that dissent and dislike them. Popular people get lots of attention. People swoon, gush, and say lots of nice things to their faces. In private they often have a lot to say that is less complimentary. They may be tolerated rather than liked. You yourself will not be liked by all no matter how nice you are.

Ask yourself this: Do you like everyone? I bet there are some that you are not particularly fond of. Some that you do not like much. If that is the case, you can’t expect everyone to like you, when you don’t like everyone that you have met.

In an up-and-coming social situation that you are set to face, are you likely to be physically harmed in any way? I suspect not. You may be embarrassed, rightly or wrongly. You may feel mighty awkward, but harmed? Not likely. At least I hope not, suspect not and doubt very much. So, the fear is mental. It might affect your status, but that is already subdued anyway.

So, no one is liked by all. You do not like everyone yourself. You need to accept that some social encounters will be much better than others. It doesn’t matter if someone takes a dislike to you as they are not likely to punch you or something. It will feel awkward at worst. However, in most cases it will be neutral but often fantastic.

We humans need social interaction. Shying away is much more harmful to you than engaging. No matter what.

Social anxiety invariably builds into a kind of phobia. A fear of social interactions.

Phobias are treatable. You have to want to change though. That is the first step. Deciding to lessen the fear. Anyone that wants something will go to extraordinary lengths to get it. In this case, the lengths you will need to go are not that great. It will take time and persistence though.

You must face your fears. Little by little. When I coax someone up a ladder, I do not encourage them to climb up to the top. What I do is ask them to climb up two rungs then come back down. Then back up two rungs, stay there, then come back down. Then on to three rungs. And so forth. Up and down. Up and down. Gradually going a little higher. Note the coming back down each time.

In the case of social anxiety, the same principle applies. You engage a tiny bit then retreat. You simply smile at someone and walk on. You say hello to someone at random and walk on. You move towards tiny conversations. Use statements. Saying, “it’s a bit cold today”, is a good approach. Not always asking questions. See what the response is. Move away. Go again with someone else.

Each day, set yourself a small task. Engage a tiny bit with three people. Stop when you have a good encounter. If you feel it was ‘far from perfect’, jump straight back on the saddle and engage with someone else. Stop for today if it was nearer to perfect.

To go from extreme social anxiety to full of confidence takes time. Months. All and everyone can gain reasonable confidence in a few months. If and only if, they want to sort themselves out and persist with this little-by-little approach.

Unfortunately, we need to fit in to some extent. It would be nice if we could wear what we want and people accept us. They don’t. Only confident people can wear wacky, mega-bright colours, and be accepted. If you are suffering from social anxiety, bright green hair, oddities galore, is not going to help. In the short-term it may pay to tone down your appearance. Once your social anxiety dissipates you can be more you. It is a tough ask. Forgoing the joys of exuberance to reach a better mental state. It is not a permanent change. But it is needed. It may be helpful. Some things you can’t change. That is a different story.

Some things that make you stand out can aid your social anxiety, so long as you know how to handle the comments and conversations surrounding them. A fuller account of this is in the section Fitting In, in the book Ignorance Paradox. I also contend that anyone that reads the book in its entirety ought to have much less social anxiety by the end of it.

No matter what you do, very few people manage to rid themselves of social anxiety completely. We all have reservations about going somewhere. It is normal. We are all nervous at times. Those nerves tend to go quite quickly once we are inside. Many find ways to cope. Most manage enough to enjoy fantastic conversations and great times with other people. It is only you that is holding you back.

Find the want.

Accept that some people will not like you as much as others will.

Acknowledge that you are guilty of not liking some too.

Shying away is harmful to you.

Small steps. Over and over.