Should

Some people sure think they have more decorum than others. They believe they are superior due to their better manners, especially table manners. We might be told to stop slurping our soup. Then we visit another country and discover that slurping is normal. Those that belch are giving an indication to the cook that the food is good. It is appreciated rather than frowned upon. In some households we are told to keep our elbows off the table, in others we must not speak until the meal is finished. It shows that we can’t agree to any set standards. We might include that in the grace. Thank the lord that we don’t have to abide by these ridiculous rules at every home we visit.

What we should and should not be doing, morals and ethics, creeps into our lives. It creeps in, in many ways. It is everywhere, even in books and films. Those that write them subtly offload their moral codes on to the audience. They are spreading their beliefs. They subconsciously alter what we consider to be right and wrong, good, and bad. Writers influence our opinions. This may or may not have been intentional, but it has an effect. The characters portrayed in the stories are used to nudge us to be like them in certain regards. Every story, every fable, every article that has been published contains coercion. The writers and authors of these stories attempt to get you to be like them. They perpetually suggest things, advise and prompt. Suggestions on what they think you should and should not be doing. The advice may suit you, the advice may be good for many, but it is their advice, and it is advice that stems from the way they see the world. It is how they want things to be.

People may not specifically use the should or ought word, instead they imply it. If I were you I would… Well, you are not me. That is not the way I want to do it. When you ask why? Some will be rather vague. They will tell you that is just the way things should be done. Ultimately it is simply the way they prefer things to be done. Their preference, their opinion, their habits.

Sometimes we pay for advice, we seek therapy. Advice can be essential to achieve certain objectives. People can help us. However, advice given when we did not ask for it can be rather annoying. Instead of advising people we can discuss someone’s problem allowing them to work out a solution by themselves. People like to take credit for what they do. This credit provides the aura of being masterful. They can’t take the credit if the person they are helping feels as though they have resolved the situation on their own.

There are plenty who think of themselves akin to football managers. Too old to play themselves now, but with the experience to hand out directives to players on the pitch. A football manager and the players will at least be sharing the same aim, that of winning the match. In other walks of life, we want to instil beliefs into anyone that will listen. Those that won’t listen are pushed and prodded to take heed. Those that want everyone to take notice are the evangelists. I say, evangelism is a sin. We can keep the secrets of our ‘success’ to ourselves. Or we can publish details and make it available to those interested. Or we can actively push it, thereby spreading our message as far and wide as possible. We get the urge to promote our message a bit. Then a bit more because the think it has merit and soon after, the promotion becomes excessive, and we become an evangelist.

Evangelists revel in their perceived authority. They wag their finger at you. They do not care if they encroach on your freedoms. Lots of arm-twisting rhetoric is used to get us to abide by their commands. The most forceful win, but only until their reign comes to an end. Anyone can get caught up in evangelism of sorts. Some encourage us to protect the environment or be more charitable or abide to rules of a book. It will, however, be according to their interpretation, their point of view. None are ever whiter than white. All evangelists have an element of do as I say and not as I do.

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There is a huge difference between saying you should do something full stop rather than, you should do something, if . You can tell people that they should take the blue road if they want to reach a particular place in the easiest quickest way possible. We may also inform those about to make this journey that the red route is the shortest and if they have time on their hands there is a country road option too. Some worry about getting stuck on the blue road. Some are keen to keep the mileage down to a minimum and care little for the traffic lights and congestion. It is much simpler to say, “take it from me the blue road is the quickest”. Going through all the possible routes is time consuming. Aside from the brevity, we highlight what we ourselves tend to do and encourage others to do the same.

Note the irony. Telling people how we should be careful with the use of the should word. This book is full of ideas about life and attempts to steer clear of telling you what to do. I say attempts, as you will spot quite a few things that are not exactly impartial or as balanced as they could be. It is an aim rather than anything else. Even saying that this is what we can do, can be read as what we ought to do.

Not every language has a should word in its vocabulary. The lack of the ‘should’ word might mean that people use body language instead, or a change in voice tone to hint at what someone should do. That or people either do something or they don't. A healthy discussion will involve people voicing their opinions. Lots will say what they think should be done. People will tell others what they think they ought to be doing, but how many are mindful of where their opinion comes from. The only principle that comes close to being accepted by all, is having the decency to listen to others. Yet people have a firm opinion on everything, believing they are doing everything right and expect others to follow suit.

Our parents can be adamant that doing something may be foolish. We go against the advice and find it to be the best thing ever. Not always, but sometimes we find our own way, running counter to what we are told is the best. However, an orderly household may need some rules laid out with clear boundaries set. Hence, we tell our children what they ought to be doing, when and how. We may dislike being told how we should do things but there are practical realities to consider. An employer will also feel at liberty to tell their workers how they should do things.

We could lead by example and let people decide for themselves whether to copy or not. It is hard though to stand aside whilst allowing others to learn to sink or swim. I have respect for people that give others the chance to make mistakes for themselves, letting them enjoy the rewards from learning, improving.

Every nation has its own set of laws, each with many flaws. No diktat is followed by everyone the world over. With so many contrary opinions abound, not everyone can be right. On balance, your method, your teachings are most likely to be representative of a minority when you take the population of the whole world into account. Yet some have the arrogance to think they are following the correct path. There may well be genuinely good reasons for doing what you do but you ignore genuinely good alternatives.

As for morality? Morality is nothing more than a personal construct. It is a list of our own opinions and personal preferences. Morality is opinion. It changes as we see more of the world. We add bits and become more flexible when we get to understand the deeper issues at stake. Our morality gains finesse over time with exceptions and exclusions added. In any moral maze we have those with differing opinions based on their moral code, their moral beliefs. There is no universal morality. People attempt to formulate a moral framework that can be used by all. The first port of call is to find an abhorrent act that everyone agrees is morally reprehensible. From there they believe we can work inwards to set out a grand moral vision. They fail at the first step because they do not acknowledge that morality is, as said before, a personal construct. It is what we see, never what everyone sees, as right and wrong. Dropping a nuclear bomb on civilians is morally wrong. No, it is not. In your opinion it is wrong. Dropping such a bomb will invoke capitulation and an end to the war. This will save more lives overall, especially the lives of our troops. Thus, it is morally acceptable. No, it is not. In your opinion it is morally right.