Preoccupation

The best day of my life

I hadn’t budgeted enough time to de-ice the car, but with a minute to spare I arrived at the agreed time. She was sitting outside waiting with the dog. We had always respected one another in terms of good time keeping. Lots stood out that day. It is not what we do, but who with. Seeing things through someone else’s eyes is refreshing for me. Hearing their thoughts about things that I take for granted.

Little things, little differences - massive impact. As I called her name she turned and beamed. This was a response that I had not been accustomed to. In other relationships a half smile would be witnessed, occasionally. Here a true meaningful, genuine smile caught in a series of shots. Modern life, modern technology captures things that were practically impossible in years gone by. Such reactions were only stored in our heads.

The dog in tow is big, powerful, and not keen on other dogs. I understood how the person on the end of the lead was frightened of her running away and exercised caution. The consequences of something terrible happening were real. But here on my patch of land, land left to go wild, the dog can run free. It runs to examine, curiosity, it turns around frequently to see where her ‘master’ is, curiosity once more. This bit of free reign is rewarding for the dog. Had the temporary nature of my interaction with this interactive creature been a little less temporary, I could have harnessed those drives in the dog to good effect. Oh well.

People will say that there is a difference between having sex and making love. There is. Not said to make someone feel most important, not as reassurance about commitment, not extra desire, but genuine cohesion. We bonded deeply via dance first, then conversation and therefore intimacy was a conspicuous extension to that. This love making truly counted, resonated, and will stay with me. I ask myself if I am making a big deal of something that can be commonplace and ordinary. In regards her physicality, that suited my personal preferences perfectly. The reason it counts the most for me was how it arose. The intensity came from the emotional connection that formed gradually over time.

For me nothing surpasses having a sidekick. A person to accompany you on mundane outings, or less mundane things. It is wonderful. If and only if the person gels with you.

Are you one of those that wonders how things would have turned out if were not for one thing? One event, one moment, one error, one mistake, one bit of luck. One collision and a friend of mine ended up spending the majority of his life in a wheelchair. Problems are relative though and my one thing impacted me greatly. In a moment of madness, I said one stupid thing that had dreadful consequences. It ended something good. Nothing could put it right. Now I am mired in self-pity. An end of a relationship feels no different to a death. Grief that time doesn’t heal.

The breakup taught me about hope. Nothing bad happened whatsoever between us, but outside forces won the day. I hoped that we may bump into each other at some point, and I believed it all could be sorted with a short chat. The forces of evil, nastiness and spite that reside in people made that reconciliation impossible. I hoped that one day I could at least make peace with her. In a relationship, some things are important, other things much less so. The list of things that were important to us both coincided most remarkably. It was an absurdly good match.

Harmonious dancing. Harmonious yet challenging conversation. Harmonious sex. I had it on all counts. All with the same person. I found what gives meaning to me. The most meaning. We both listened to one another. We both revelled in physical contact. We pushed the boundaries of dance. It is most difficult to find someone to take dance to the extremes. My stance on equality matched hers. So many compatible factors. Megan epitomised exactly what I had been looking for, for so long. Hope gets me through each day. It gets me through until I cross paths with someone else as great as she. Human connection gives me purpose. Close connection is most meaningful to me. Not much else cuts it. We find our own meaning. It is different. It is personal. It is ours.