Hocus Pocus

Do you want to be admired, revered, respected and most of all have lots of people hanging on to your every word? Do you want followers and be a renowned central member of the community? If so then throw away any scepticism and start making claims, exaggerated claims. The crazier they are the more likely they are to be believed. Don’t whatever you do make the mistake of many a magician, never let people know the secret of your magic. Once they know how it is done, they lose interest. I told you about curiosity, it is an essential ingredient in keeping people keen to find out more.

Your principal aim is to be the one providing hope. Hope that they might live forever or return to a faultless better world. You must convince them to believe. Point this out to people; there is always hope even in the word hopeless. Show that if they have faith, real undeniable faith they will be rewarded. Rewarded tremendously if they follow your guidance closely. Don’t be fooled, you will give people great comfort and relieve them of a mountain of anxiety. They will have purpose and reason. A wave of relief will wash over them. They will be instilled with the notion that they are doing the right thing. Those that became disillusioned with life will be glad you saved them.

You are likely to need a lot of money to build places of worship and pretend to give to charity. Once again, I told you about our co-considerational selfishness. People will feel much better when they are giving, especially as it will be going to such an admirable cause. Ask them for regular payments, don’t be shy about it. As leader you can feel free to hive off modest living excesses. You will need to as you won’t have time to work - work is for followers not leaders. You will be honourably justified to take, take, and take what is required.

Now you face a choice. How bold are you going to be? You could aim low. Commence proceedings by becoming a local preacher. That will be pretty good. It offers a modicum of power. Most at that rank are self-appointed. You only need people to believe in you. A little study. A little effort and you can answer questions posed to you. If you are prepared to move up the ranks and have the tenacity to jive through the internal politics, you could climb to regional minister. The really daring will strike out - making it known that they are a direct descendant of god. This is risky though. You will have to counter many claims of being an imposter. It is much harder now than it was a thousand, two thousand years ago. Backstories are harder to forge now. It will be well worthwhile if you manage to pull it off though. People will adore you and write many stories about your life. You can put out edicts every day that encourage people to behave in ways that you approve of. You will be the ultimate law maker creating laws that cross all boundaries. People will come to visit you from far afield, often for just a hug or handshake.

If religion is not concordant with your nerve or personality you have a cornucopia of alternate directions to take. Conspiracies, ghosts and the paranormal. Or maybe investigate becoming a clairvoyant, tea leaf reader or astrologist. I took up palmistry realising that dismissing other people’s hocus pocus flattened the mood at any gathering. People are enthralled by the mystical and gyrate away from those calling it a load of rubbish. It is much better to join in. You can be up and running in a few minutes. Take their hand and turn it over. Peer at the lines making a note of the intensity. Gauge where the branches and breaks are. Now you need to invent a fortune telling yarn. Going by their age you can ascertain a compelling point in the person’s life where something momentous will occur. You can say that in five to six years’ time they will encounter a fork in the road. Things will be good if they choose wisely. You can also calculate a point in their life prior when something significant happened from the proportion of the line length to where the break is. Like all good liars, you need a good memory. They may challenge you a few weeks later and they are more likely to remember what you said about them than you will.

Some of the most ardent doubters have found themselves getting rather good at such wizardry. They then reconsider their cynicism. It is like trying to explain hunches you get that turn out to be true. Those that get carried away with it, feel more relevant as they are doing something wonderful for others. Being larger than life provides an excellent excuse for questionable behaviour in other areas.

I tell people about the time when I settled into bed and could see a light. It was small bright and piercing. It was visible whether my eyes were open or shut. Make no mistake about it, it was a light as real as can be and not imagined. In the morning, I thought about this, then recalled how I was in the bar and was looking at a small bulb where the plastic cover over it was missing. Hence the light I saw. It was odd that it came ‘on’ some hours after I had left the place. I don’t explain that part of the story as that is all science, persistence of vision and an aberration. It tends to go in one ear and out the other of those that are still listening. Others have seen a much brighter more impressive light than that. They are also better than me at convincing people that they were individually picked out to spread a message from out yonder.

The truth is all one big disappointment. Father Christmas and the tooth fairy pan out to be just your dull old dad telling lies. It is horrible to discover that a fortune teller is adept at using language trickery rather than being capable of making spiritual contact. We don’t want to know that we received clever generalisations that apply to big chunks of the population rather than bespoke custom information delivered for us alone. We were happy so long as some of what is foretold is correct. We can be satisfied even if the proportion of what it fairly accurate to what is blatantly wrong is worse than something knowingly given at random. It is akin to the placebo effect; being told you are going to be alright by a doctor in a white coat. We believe in the person. The same information given by someone else can mean very little.

Rational thinking is unhelpful in the realms of hocus-pocus. It would be so nice if loved ones recently departed made the effort to watch over us. We seek positivity casting aside potential downsides to silly para-normal things. If something in my house moves it could be a sign from my late partner. It could be but it is probably not. If it were and my partner wants me to join them, they need do nothing bar dislodge a tile from the roof at the right time. Were that to happen though, I could blame the wind. Maybe ghostly terrorists are missing a trick?

Please join the ranks of those that rave about strange events as there is an oversupply of those waiting to soak it all up. If you are 40 years old you have lived for about 14600 days, taking this large numbers of days into account it is quite unlikely that something strange, weird, or coincidental won’t occur. Some people will have read articles explaining how our minds often jitter just before we go to sleep or upon waking up. Therefore, it is best to recant our tales of ghostly tales or visits from angels with specific clarifications. It was mid-afternoon, you were sober as a judge and the cat witnessed it.

What if you are an original type? You feel that your life must have a greater purpose. You have taken a good look at the commercial hocus pocus such as tarot cards, crystal balls et al, and feel they are not helping people as much as they could. Why not reconcile yourself as being a spiritual saint with a paragon of virtue. You could secretly wander into people’s lives and put things on a better course. Save the lost and savour the taste of doing invisible deeds that is lessening the pain of individuals in need. It is hard to refrain from proclaiming to the masses that your efforts are a triumph. However, keep quiet you must as keeping quiet is essential, any boasting could dampen your power. It is an unwelcome trade off. Those close to you will be in the know and that will be enough, they will support you in your earthly needs.