The selfish principle

Either way

I was waiting in a grimy station for, you guessed it, a train. A beggar had taken up residence there. She approached people one by one. Most ignored her. I gave her some food. Did I feel better for doing that? A little bit. It did stop her from bothering me and made her move on to the next person. Giving makes us feel less guilty. You are selfish for ignoring them. You are selfish for wanting them to move along. Whatever the case, no matter what you do it might seem that you can’t win. There is a special form of selfishness involved with giving. You feel better inside for helping. One way or another it tends to have some impact on you as well as the recipient of your charity. Sometimes the impact is not terribly great. Giving them a little gets them gone and stops them from pestering you anymore. It helps them a bit. You both get something from it. We can find ourselves doing this kind of thing automatically. We stop paying much attention to it. Do not be disillusioned, the power of selfishness is amazing. There is an incredible force at work, and it has the potential to make life very good for all.

A fine, super fine husband had an accident. On life support was he for some months. His mind was damaged beyond belief. Only a small part left intact. The doctors had come to a stark conclusion. Life support was to end. The wife on the other hand had different ideas. As the hospital was no longer prepared to nurse him, she decided that she would nurse him instead. She had him transported home and managed for a year. In all that time only one murmur was witnessed. Maybe gene therapy will advance in time to bring this person back to his former self. Wishful thinking. Unrealistic. Every day, feeding, watering, washing, and dealing with the ablutions. It was a long year. Real commitment. Eventually she realised that it was hopeless and could not sustain it any longer. He was put to rest. This story was told around a table with some seven others present. I said to the wife “you did that for you, not him”. The others sitting at that table began squirming in their seats and remained silent. In truth this is what she had come close to concluding too. She was appreciative that I confirmed her suspicions. It helped. She would have been the one to take the glory. It would have been magnificent to be vindicated, to show the world that she held firm and did the impossible. She stayed the course, she did it. Having a fully functioning husband again would be nice too, for her.

Some children need twenty-four-hour care. This takes its toll on the parents. It can be difficult to summon the courage to take a weekend break from it. A trip to a health spa maybe. We feel bad for having a rest. A little guilt and sense that you are not giving it our all. However, when you come back from the retreat you are refreshed and can provide better care. Once again, you need to look after yourself in order to look after others. Any charity work you commit to is not sustained when you burn out.

I scratch your back and you scratch mine. Then they don’t. You do something for someone, and they don’t reciprocate. You may feel like a bit of a sucker. Many monkeys are seen removing bits and pieces, ticks, mites, and debris from the hard-to-reach parts of another’s fur. Sometimes they take it in turns and help one another in this manner. However, something else is at play. Bonding. You do this kind of thing for a friend, partner, or family member. There will be suckers, but maybe they are not really suckers after all. Maybe the bonding is more important. Maybe they feel better for helping. Yes, we can do something for others for nothing other than the internal reward we get from it. This concept throws dynamite into the argument that there is mathematical logic to all of this. People put numerical values on giving and receiving. Then they come to dreadful conclusions. How do you put a number on the feel-good factor surrounding helping? You can’t.

At school your friend has forgotten their lunchbox. You offer half of what you have. They don’t pay you for it. They don’t bring in double the next day. They may never repay the favour. They may become a better friend though. Both of you gain. You may get a badge of generosity. Your image may improve. You may not tell anyone about it. You don’t want to gain recognition for your kindness. You just keep it between the two of you and feel that it is the right thing to do. You see their gratitude, and this is something which most find pleasing enough. You don’t have any guilt for watching them go hungry. No feeling bad afterwards. However, one way or another you gained something, albeit something small at times, from sharing.

A lady slipped and managed to get her leg stuck in between the carriage and the railway platform. The train guard, along with twenty other people all pushed together to release this hapless victim. They all worked together in harmony to free her. What did they gain? I suppose they can’t go anywhere with her there and it helped them get on with their journey. That wasn’t really on their minds. They wanted to solve the problem. The group effort was rewarded collectively and individually - inside each of their heads. They felt chuffed and pleased. They also had a great anecdote to share. They were part of something. Similar stories are abound with crowds lifting buses and lorries to free someone trapped underneath. Lots of people working together for no real tangible gain for themselves, except that what is realised in their minds. A chemical release is real and present when we do such things.

A have heard many stories where there is a fast-instant reaction to events unfolding. A child steps into the road and someone leans across and grabs them, pulling them back. We have prior knowledge of the dangers and need no time to consider what needs to be done. It stems from earlier experiences where we learn to look after one and another. We understand how good it makes us feel. The type of person we become is rooted in what we have done and learnt in the past. We have no need to consider the right thing to do in all circumstances. We act based on the rewards that we have felt in the past. Our selfish instinct to do good becomes ingrained in us.

A bunch of drunken youths stopped at a takeaway restaurant to fill their bellies before heading home. A camera operator zoomed in on them and watched as one of them attempted to straighten a metal bicycle rack. It appeared to have been nudged over by a car. The first one was unable to budge it, despite being quite burly. Another lad had a go and failed. Then the third who had finally got his meal order was going to show them how it is done. The look of smugness, self-congratulation and top of the pecking order feeling was not forthcoming. They all failed. So, like all troublesome yobs they combined they strength. Together they managed to do it and then walked off. They all felt good for overcoming the challenge of putting something right, upright. It was an innocuous thing that bonded the group a little more. They all gained from making their community less unkempt. We make the world a better place for others, and it gives the individual some satisfaction that they were part of it.

We call people selfish when they refuse to share, when they are not keen to help and generally not considering what others might like. Those that do consider what someone else wants or needs, are being co-considerationally selfish. We can do something for someone else and get an internal reward. This is co-considerational selfishness. Two people gain, you and the recipient of the help. You can give a gift to someone, they get the item, and you get the pleasure from your generosity. Pure selfishness is when we do something where we are the only beneficiary. We also cooperate by doing things for the mutual benefit of many. We may pool resources and split the profits, so each gain together.

I want to point out a subtle but significant difference between mutualism and co-considerational selfishness. Suppose a market stall is selling donuts in packs of twelve. Now someone asks you if you wouldn’t mind going half each on a pack. They only want six donuts. If you too, only wanted six, then you club together. You pay for the twelve between you and split the pack taking six each. This is mutualism. However, if you are not terribly keen on any donuts, but decide to help out by clubbing in anyway, then it becomes co-considerational selfishness. We feel good that we made somebody’s else’s life easier. You did it to assist and be obliging. You see their appreciation. You become a better person in that moment. Mutualism is cold and logical, co-considerational selfishness is emotional and with feeling. Sometimes our actions can be a fusion of the two. Mutualism is pooling resources to make it better for all. Co-considerational selfishness would be pooling to help the less well off, to help others, to assist where there is no desire for material gain.

It is virtually impossible to avoid some form of selfishness rearing its head in any interaction with others. Taking the trouble to listen makes people respect and like you more. You gain. Holding a ladder for someone, fetching something, providing directions somewhere, you name it, it makes us feel better for doing these things. Then there is the not feeling bad for not helping. That too is better for us. There will be times when the feel-good factor is muted. We become accustomed to behaving in a kind, nice, way. So accustomed that we stop paying attention to why we do things. We do recall instances when we felt a bit guilty and avoid things automatically. When we are decent, life runs smoothly. For us. It is always us, that is at the centre of all that we do. That may be disenchanting, not what we want to hear but, in many ways, it is a great thing. Selfishness is a powerful drive that is predominately beneficial for all. Selfishness is complex and multi-faceted. It is not confined to self-preservation, self-centeredness or being mean and inconsiderate. It is found in co-operation, assisting and generosity too.

A young child was spending their afternoon with some school friends and a bunch of elderly people. It was a scheme set up to bridge the generation gap. They were out in a large park for a long walk. One old lady got left behind. The child noticed that one was missing so she backtracked and looked for her. The joy on the lady’s face was a sight to be seen when this child returned to find her. The child felt pleased for her efforts. She was however, wrapped up in a rounding up of the sheep game. She was curious to know where one of the ladies had gone. She felt great for showing care for someone else. She had a reward that no money could buy. The child did it in part to show care for others but also for her own personal satisfaction.

Lots of ladybirds hibernate around the windows. Every spring I send them on their merry way. I spend quite a while collecting them up and ousting them. I get some happiness from doing this. I help them, they make me a little more content. I have spent a lot of money buying land to rewild. It has cost me dear. However, it makes me seem less of a hypocrite and I feel less self-orientated. Selfishness whether co-considerational or not involves lots of factors. It is a two-part thing. You give back and simultaneously gain pride in yourself.